As I was driving home from work last night, at least a dozen different specific food cravings came to the fore, nagging me to change my route and pick up a burrito or three from Casitas Tacos al Carbon in Burbank, or to grab the Tostada Lime Chicken Pizza at California Pizza Kitchen in Glendale, or a pint of ice cream from the Baskin-Robbins near my house.
It took every last drop of my mental power and restraint to park in front of my apartment instead of drive on to CPK. Right up until I made the turn I didn't know what I was going to do. I felt like I was schizophrenic in some regard:
Bad me: "Get the pizza"
Good me: "No, DON'T get the pizza!"
BM: "You know you want it, and it'll taste so good!"
GM: "STOP. Pull the car over. You're going to be on-program today if it kills us!"
Can I say "ack"? It's too, too much. As I walked from my car to my front door, it wasn't pride or resilience I was feeling - it was bitterness, self-defeat, anger at myself for behaving so idiotically. The first moments inside my home were spent trying to vent the nervous energy: throwing off my shoes, fluffling and straightening the duvet on my bed, picking up and throwing socks from the night before into the massive laundry pile in the corner, grabbing a Lean Cuisine from the freezer, roughing the box up a bit, and tossing it into the microwave. It was like the scene with Sandy Bullock from the beginning of Miss Congeniality when she comes home in an angry fit - except I didn't go falling over my bed or hitting a punching bag (but if I had one...).
And I ravaged that Lean Cuisine when it was finished cooking. After, I grabbed a fat-free pudding to hopefully finish off the points for the day. But no dice. I exceeded my allocated points by about 4. I was not happy about it. I am not happy about it.
I think I may be going through that phase of my "lifestyle change" (well, diet, one of more than a few in the past) when I go to the dark side. My cravings and bingeing memories come up with mad vengeance, and I give in to them, and soon after end up giving up, thinking "I can't do this, I'll never be capable of doing this".
To add possible injury to the insults I've lodged towards myself in the last few days, today is a weigh-in. I expect a gain. I hope to remain the same as last week. I dream the impossible dream of loss. Tonight the light will be shed on how my activity (or, inacitivity, coupled with bingeing) affects my body - at least in the short term.
As I type this I'm still mad. I'm desperately hoping to remain on-program today, knowing that it's me and me alone who has the power to lose the weight, or the power to completely lose. Right now I'm not comfortable with my chances on the former.
Posted by weezgrrl at March 23, 2004 10:47 AMGood for you for resisting the lure of the fast food last night!!! You know how easy it would have been just to give in and you didn't...you did what you needed to do, so celebrate that and try not to be too down on yourself. When you beat yourself up, it's just too easy to eat to soothe, so be proud and keep up the good work.
Posted by: Denise at March 23, 2004 12:31 PMThanks for the encouragement Denise! Right now I can really use it!!
Posted by: julie (me!) at March 23, 2004 01:43 PMI know for me, the more I resist and say "I can't have that" the more I want it. Maybe you should indulge yourself...once...and then be on track the rest of the week. I do this at times...or else I go mad. I am losing although a little slower because of this...but it keeps me from going off track. :)
Hehe, I just got an image of you a la Kronk from Emperor's New Groove, 'Hey, it's my shoulder angel...'
Posted by: Zanitta at March 24, 2004 09:43 AM