excess baggage

Holidaze

So maybe it wasn't the brightest idea to start Weight Watchers a few weeks before Thanksgiving. Between that, and Christmas, and New Years, it's been a tough opening stretch. To add to that, the weather has been totally crazy where I live, and we were snowed in for two weeks. My car is still stuck in our garage, because the lumps of snow still haven't melted. So no meetings for about 3 weeks now.

But enough about the excuses - I laid off the plan for several weeks, but always with the intention that I would get back on track after the holidays. Well, it's officially after the holidays, and yesterday I stepped on the scale, expecting to be horrified.

Yet I wasn't totally horrified. In fact, I was thrilled to see that I had only put back about 1 lbs. And I hadn't been tracking. And I hasn't been exercising. So what was it? I think it was not having "bad" foods in the house. While I did enjoy more Weight Watchers 1-point Giant Fudge popsicles in one sitting than any one FAMILY should consume in a week, they were only 1 point each. And I had pleasurable meals, but often they were REAL meals... not takeout or burritos or ice cream, but chicken, and turkey chili, and home-made black bean tacos made with all-light fixins.

Also, my last Christmas gift came yesterday (all our Xmas presents came really late this year, because of the weather holding up all shipments): Dance Dance Revolution for the XBOX 360. I had asked my boyfriend for this back when I was first starting Weight Watchers... you know, in those first "ideal" days. After time passed I became less-enthused about it. But my boyfriend went and bought it for me anyways, and even when we hooked it up last night, I was worried that it would be too difficult for me. I looked at the dance pad and thought, "How the hell are my legs gonna move from one direction to the other?"

It wasn't until my boyfriend got on it and ran through the beginner levels that I got a real taste for it, and soon after I was on there, beating his scores. :)

So last night I worked up a good sweat on it in about 20 minutes. And today I unlocked the "master" game mode, where I was able to turn on "workout mode". With the workout mode, you enter your weight, and as you play the game, it logs how many steps you've taken, and how many calories you've burned in a day - and logs it for future reference. Now I'm super-excited about it. I'm kind of an Xbox achievement-whore, so the idea of a) working out, and b) getting gamerscore for it is AWESOME.

So yeah, I'm back. And I'm not mad at myself for taking this "time off", because this isn't really a "diet", this is a lifestyle change - and I know that to make it work this time, I need to be flexible, roll with the punches, allow myself to go off track every once in awhile, and soon enough the new lifestyle will be a habit.
So I'm eager to get back to my WW meetings this Saturday.

And Then It All Kind of Fell Apart...

I've had a rough couple of days (we all do, right?), as the Thanksgiving holiday served to be a test of my portion control - and I failed... miserably.

This was the first year my partner, Erik, and I didn't visit our families. We have some extended family in our new city, but we hadn't heard from them in awhile, and weren't expecting an invitation. And most of our immediate family is down in southern California. We didn't really want to treat Thanksgiving like any other day, because we wanted to be festive and all that, but neither of us ever had any hand in the Thanksgiving preparations, food or otherwise, so we had some work ahead of us.

I basically went from knowing NOTHING to: 1) roasting a whole turkey breast, 2) making delicious stuffing with celery and apples, and 3) making candied yams that Erik said were the best ever (I'll have to trust him on that - I never had yams and only had a bite of his this time). I had made the mashed potatoes, green beans, and pumpkin pie before, but those were in the mix as well. (I even liveblogged the entire day with photos on Flickr -- warning, these are of food, mainly!)

It was a HUGE day. I was on my feet, barefoot in the kitchen, all day - and oh, how my feet were sore afterwards!! I was so proud of how the meal took shape - it was just like the food I remember eating growing up, and as food is an emotional, comfort thing for me, I was in heaven...

And I completely ignored any semblance of portion control. I filled a plate with turkey (white meat, of course), large heaps of stuffing and mashed potatoes, green beans, a crescent roll, and about two tablespoons of gravy (not bad on the gravy, actually). And afterwards, I had a slice (okay, maybe two) of pumpkin pie topped with whipped cream. My only saving grace was that I made the pie with nonfat condensed milk, and chose the lite whipped cream.

All in all, not a horrible night. All the work I had done, toiling in the kitchen, helped to offset the gluttony. The problem is, the gluttony didn't stop when the clock struck midnight. No, on Friday I had pumpkin pie for breakfast, and an insanely yummy turkey sandwich at lunch (with whole grain bread and lite mayo, sure, but I went and screwed it up with stuffing on the side!), and then dinner was MORE turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy... and then I had another go around with the pie. And another.

I was feeling pretty bad by Friday night. My weekly Weigh-in is early on Saturday morning, and I was dreading it. A little after 1am, I decided I was not going to go - a mixture of embarrassment with just not wanting to go in that early. But I tempered that with a resolve to put the last two days behind me, and keep on trudging. So Saturday, I was back with a vengeance - counting my points, drinking my water, making Erik eat the last of the turkey, stuffing and pie.

I have no idea where my weight is in relation to last week. Am I up? Am I down? Well, my curiosity will have to wait until next Saturday. All I can do now is take each day until then, one day at a time.

Disappointed, But Not Too Depressed

So at the end of my second week, my weigh-in revealed a gain of 0.4 lbs. It wasn't a total shock, I mean, I knew a gain was a possibility - but I had hoped it was a small one. When the "weigher-inner" told me that this week I was "at 0.4", I thought it was a loss of 0.4, and nodded my head - thinking "Whew! I dodged a bullet there!"

I didn't dodge the bullet. When I sat down and looked at my booklet, I was informed that the 0.4 was a GAIN. I was bummed, but I thought "I deserved it." Not the most encouraging thought-process, I know.

But what's interested is I came out of the meeting with a resolve that I haven't felt at all this week. My first week's drastic loss of 5.2 lbs. left me sort of cocky for the week. I thought that because I only really spent half that first week officially "on program", that I could splurge a little more than I should have this week. Those thoughts crawled up and I caved very easily to cravings.

This week, I plan to resist those urges to overeat as much as I can. I'm not going to beat myself up too badly for my weight gain this week. Because this week is over, and a new one has officially begun.

Teeny Tiny Hiccup

If I thought this was going to be an easy task and that my eating habits were easily retrainable, I was wrong. Yesterday was a prime example that THIS IS A STRUGGLE. A struggle with my own lack of discipline (dot com).

I wouldn't necessarily call what I did binge eating... wait - yes, that's exactly what it was, and denying that fact just makes it "okay" to do it again. It starts out of sheer laziness on my part: around lunchtime, I wanted to eat, but I didn't want to spend the FOUR MINUTES it takes to heat up a Smart Ones frozen meal, or spend maybe all of SEVEN WHOLE MINUTES making myself a 7-point sandwich.

No, it was much easier for me to grab a 3-point Skinny Cow Cookies 'n Cream Ice Cream Sandwich (notice how I give it a certain gravitas by capitalizing each word??) out of the freezer and eat that. But of course, when I'm really hungry, one just won't do. So I had another... aaaaaand another. 9-points, gone. 9 points for hardly any nutritional value.

So of course, about three hours before dinner time, I was famished, and I was tired, and I was shaky from lack of nutrition (dot com - sorry, that's a lame joke and I'll stop now). All of that combined led me to make a bad decision: Let's order pizza for dinner! I could get away with it, right? As long as I tracked everything (see here and here), I was good, right?

Well, four slices of that pizza did me in for the day. And I could feel it. No longer was I "famished" (what a lame word to use when there is real famine out in the world), no, I was STUFFED. To the gills. And I totally didn't need that fourth piece. By the end of the third piece I was like "Now that was filling!", but no - there was that last piece of pizza on my plate. There was some semblance of self-control, however. I didn't eat a FIFTH piece.

Gah. So yesterday was bad. And why? Couple things: 1) I didn't drink water. Not until after four slices of pizza, anyways. And by the time I did, I was clearly dehydrated. Water would have helped stave off the ravenous sense of hunger which drove me to such bad decisions. 2) I took the easy way out. Had I just GOT OFF THE FRICKIN' COUCH for ten minutes I would have spent the necessary time to prepare a proper lunch. I let my quickie-meal of Skinny Cows set me up for failure for the rest of the day. Because I figured, heck, if I'm gonna blow it, why not blow it big-time, right? It's only ONE DAY, I can "make it up" for the rest of the week.

I can't think like that anymore. Or at least, that sort of thinking should be harshly discouraged. But if I learned anything from last week's Weight Watchers meeting topic, it's that success comes from when you re-focus and get back on track when you've fallen. I'm lucky, I haven't fallen hard at this point. I had an embarrassing screw-up (an even more embarrassing one if this yields no weight loss this week, or even worse, a gain). But I can't let screw-ups get in the way of my long-term goal. I need to move on, move forward - I need to just keep effing MOVING.

Speaking of moving, I'm off to grab some water.

First Week a Success!

After my first week (well, first partial week) on Weight Watchers, I've lost 5.2 lbs. At first I thought the recorder had made a mathematical error, and that it was only 4.2 lbs. But nope, 271 minus 265.8 is 5.2! There's something about it being in the "5"s instead of in the "4"s - like it's more special or something - maybe because I got a special sticker for it, or maybe because I hope to keep weight goals in increments of 5.

But whatever about that - it's awesome! 5.2 lbs., gone! I wasn't completely on-plan this week, I got off to a slow start, but this re-affirms that if I eat better, and move around a little bit more (the Wii Sports is helping, I'm sure of it), that my weight WILL get lower and I WILL feel better.

Starting Anew

So it's been... awhile. When I started this blog, I was on Weight Watchers, and I saw a pretty good, pretty consistent loss - even though I wasn't always "on track". Four years later, I'm a completely different person. Most of it's great - I've been in a relationship since March of 2005, I've moved up to the Seattle area, bought a house with him, we have a wonderful Boston Terrier doggie named Zippy... I don't have a job right now, but I'm sure I'll find something new soon.

But the bad part? I'm heavier than I've ever been. Ever. I've been suffering from depression for goodness-knows how long. I'm on medication for it now, and I'm still crawling out of it. I still have days where I don't want to get out of bed - still have times where I don't want to do any housework or even do things that I normally LIKE to do. It's not fun, and certainly not fun for my significant other. He's had a rough go of it, watching me pack on over 50 pounds since we met, watching me go from a happy-go-lucky person who likes to go on adventures, to someone who doesn't even want to leave the house.

Also, I have had a serious lower-back problem. It's a nagging problem, but this last time I had to go through months of physical therapy, took more time than I wanted to off from work, and have been generally uncomfortable for too long. I still have days when I wake up feeling stiff, and it hurts to walk. But I know that this problem is 100% related to my weight. My small stature just can't handle all of this heft.

I downloaded a cool-looking weight tracking application for my iPhone (I'm a bit of a techie), and that prompted to get me on the scale last week... and I nearly fainted. I couldn't think of anything else for the next two days. So last Saturday, in the wee hours of the morning, I decided I was going to go back on Weight Watchers. It was long overdue. So I snuck out of bed and went online to find the next, nearest meeting. Luckily, there was an 8:00am meeting at my local WW meeting place, so I reset my alarm for 7am, slept for a little while longer (well, TRIED to sleep), and then got up and went.

It was hard. I was nervous. I'm not an outgoing person, so going to a people-gathering of any sort makes me anxious. But I signed up and got on the scale for my first official weigh-in.

271 pounds.

More than what I saw two days earlier, but I had shoes and jeans and two top layers. I was expecting to be a bit higher, but this was the next tens-level up. 271. Gosh. For my height, I should be almost 150 lbs. lighter. I remember, many years ago, trying to get under 200 lbs. on WW, as a first step. Now, if I see 200 lbs. again it will be awesome. 71 lbs. gone.

It's a huge undertaking. HUGE. I am aware of the mental and physical work ahead of me. But there's no time like the present. I am currently in-between-jobs, so I have all the time in the world to dedicate to physical fitness (slowly ramping up, I don't want to, nor CAN I, overdo it), and eating properly.

My boyfriend is totally behind me, which is great. He's okay with eating the lower-fat foods I need to bring into the house. It's been a slow start - I didn't really get all the food I needed to get and start my tracking until yesterday (I couldn't drag ass outta the house to go to the supermarket until Tuesday).

But yesterday felt great. I even worked out a little - I played Wii Sports tennis and bowling for about 45 minutes. I did enough to work up a little sweat. My right arm is a little sore today - but it's a good sore, ya know?

So if I'm going to do this right, I need to center my mind on it. Technology is on my side, this time, and that's why I'm so optimistic about it. Weight Watchers has some e-Tools, which let you log your points online - and what's best is that it's optimized for my iPhone. I can be in the kitchen, or out at the market, and look up Points values and log them. That makes it extra-fun for me, because I love using my iPhone.

So we'll see what's going on at my next weigh-in on Saturday. I don't expect the loss to be much, because I only really started yesterday, but I'm looking forward to the next few weeks, and the next few months, and to the rest of my life.

Back, sorta

Breakfast:
1 cup Orange Juice (7:30am)
1 packet of Apple Cinnamon Instant Oatmeal (8:00am(
1 glass of water

Lunch (12:00pm):
Lean Cuisine Pepperoni Pizza
Yoplait Light Fat Free Apple Turnover flavored yogurt
1 glass of water

going well

Things are going really, REALLY well on this new plan. Last night was another weigh-in, and I showed a loss of 4 lbs. of fat (down about 1.5% of overall body fat), a gain of 3 pounds of fat-free mass (essentially muscle), for an overall loss of 1 pound.

I really love the fact that we get weighed in on a body-composition scale. Being able to see that you lost 4 pounds of fat sounds mighty good when you might otherwise be thinking "Oh, I only lost a pound - and I bet that was just water-weight". Yes, this is very motivating.

I'll be going to Las Vegas tomorrow for a four-day convention-type thingee. Eating will be, um, interesting at best, I think.

a great week

So, my 2nd official weigh-in was last week, and I was down 4.8 lbs. from last week! It was very, very shocking - but I was very, very happy.

This weekend I went for coffee with my friend, Erik, and I enjoyed a Starbucks Tall nonfat Toffee Nut Latte (with whip), and (gulp!) one of their new Chocolate Peanut Butter Stacks. Unless you have seen one of these in person, I cannot adequately explain how mesmerizing it looks in the tray, and how delicious it tastes! But I was allowed: as part of the plan, once or twice a week I am to enjoy a "food that I adore". Simply, you eat something that you LOVE the taste of.

The bad part was that the next day I went to Starbucks again and got the same exact thing. So, I figure, that's the "twice a week" part. Ack! It didn't seem to affect my weigh-in, but it did affect me in other ways. The caffeine was almost too much for me to handle. That, combined with the sugar, served to make me extremely hyper. Which I guess is okay, if you only "do it" once or twice a week.

Anyways, I'm back doing the program this morning, eating my eggs and whole wheat fajita-style tortilla with some fresh salsa (note the use of the word "fresh", I will no longer buy those unrefridgerated room-temperature salsas... too much sugar!). And I've eaten two apples, and in a couple of minutes, I'll need to make my turkey sandwich.

So, I'm off to a great start, I think. I doubt I will be able to maintain a 7 lbs/2 weeks loss-rate, but if I can continue downward I can certainly continue on plan!

a couple of reasons...

Here are a couple of reasons to lose it for good this time:

-I am going to travel to New Zealand at the end of the year. I would like to go with plenty of energy to hike the out-of-the-way trails. Plus, I'd like to be able to sit more comfortably in the airplane seat during the 12-hour flight.

-I'm going to be 30 in June.

-The new management at work, I feel, is more swayed by the way an employee looks than a way an employee ultimately performs. This is a gut feeling, but I think I'm at a stage now where I need to up my own ante.

-I'd like to, overall, pursue a more active lifestyle. This involves swimming, hiking, generally walking around more, not getting tired after standing up for most of the day, etc.

More to come, I'm sure...

goals

My meeting last night went very well. They've pared down the meetings to only about 8 people per group, so it was far more intimate a setting. I weighed in with a 2.2 lbs. loss, bringing me down to an even 227.0.

The great thing is that the print-out from the Tanita scale shows how your weight is proportioned. In my case, those 2.2 lbs I lost were PURE fat, no fat-free mass (muscle, bone, etc.) was lost. My total body water weight also remained the same. What's good is that for some reason, if I don't lose weight, or even gain a pound, I can find out what kind of pound that was - a pound of muscle or a pound of flesh? I can't remember how many times I stepped on the WW scale, suffering through a week with no loss, thinking "I wonder if it's because I've gained muscle?"

We also are checking our blood pressures every week. Mine dropped quite a bit between last week. I went from (if I can remember correctly) 137/91 to 129/79. These figures may be wrong, but I'll double check tem when I get home tonight.

At the end of the night we were asked about our long-term and short-term goals. Many of us were taken by surprise, as the leader wanted to write down these goals for posterity. I erred on the side of conservatism. I chose a long-term program-goal of 5% weight reduction. And my short-term (this week) goal is to go for 3 night-walks this week. I live in a hilly suburb, and it's quite a nice work-out to take a 20 min. walk up and down the neighborhood.

So, it's going well. I went to the grocery store last night to replenish my fruit (green grapes, grapefruits, apples!, plums). The price of food, though, is wearing me out. All this fresh food is so expensive!

first real weigh-in

My first "real" weigh-in as part of the Wellness Center's weight-management program is this evening. I'm sure I've lost weight, obviously. But I find myself already obsessing about the scale. On Saturday I had seen the number 224, down from 229 that previous Tuesday. This morning I got on the scale and it read 225.

Why did that bother me? A loss is a loss, right? I'm so ultra-competitive, even against myself, that any upward motion at all disappoints me. Solution? No scale between weigh-ins. Sure, that's easy to say, but the scale has often provided me with a mid-week boost to the spirits, or even a mid-week kick-in-the-pants.

I guess that's why I'm in this program. I'll try to bring this personal issue up tonight.

working through it

These last three days have been hard. I've not been 100% compliant with the radical plan (who is?), but it appears I'm seeing immediate results anyways. I'm going to try to be all-positive in this post.

I stepped on the scale and showed, since Tuesday of last week, a 5 lbs. weight loss. How did this happen? Well, I've been drinking a LOT of water. Yesterday's tally was pretty low on the water, but overall, I've been taking in about 64 oz. per day (on the two days preceding yesterday, it was closer to 90 oz.). It's serving to flush out my system, which is probably a great thing.

And of course, I've been adhering to this "5-Day Miracle Diet" (full disclosure: not 5 days, not a miracle!) as best I can. I'm not feeling as weak as I was on Friday. I'm even planning on going out to wash my new car today... oh, have I not mentioned the new MINI Cooper S I purchased in December? Washing it allows me to continue with my obsession over it PLUS it's great exercise for me.

What do I need to work on? Weekends, and going out. Yesterday, I had planned to attend a MINI-club detailing clinic. It's pretty-much an all-day event... and it's STOCKED with food. Usually there are Krispey Kremes, cookies, chocolate cake, pizza, sushi, sodas, cheesecake available for the taking. I didn't go yesterday for two reasons: (1) I wasn't feeling very well. I'm still trying to get rid of a cough I have leftover from a flu several weeks ago, and (2) I was worried about getting the proper snacks and lunch in at the right times.

I'll work it out, though. This is all really, really new to me. I don't remember being on a diet plan that contained foods that were so different from what I've been used to eating for my whole life. But I can deal with it.

Day 2 of Hell

Yes, I'm feeling deprived. But I think I have a better attitude about it today. I'm eating my grapple and looking forwards to lunch. ut I think that's bad, looking forward to a meal, so I'm trying to get rid of the thought. If work weren't so slow it might be a bit easier.

I'm pretty happy about the kind of breakfast I'm having - roughly 1-2 scrambed southwestern Egg Beaters and a slice of toasted whole grain bread, folded, to form a sandwich of sorts. This morning I spiced it up by adding the faintest amount of Del Taco Del Scorcho sauce. I saw that it had some sugar in it, so I didn't use it as liberally as I wanted to.

Today, I'm having a proper Turkey sandwich. TWO slices of bread, program be damned! I also brought a slice of fat-free american cheese, and some spicy mustard (no sugar). I'll top that off with forced-munching of some baby carrots. I have some grapes for the afternoon snacks (lifesavers!), and my dad has volunteered to cook me a chicken breast filet tonight. I'm pretty happy about that. Because I can't cook.

So, my outlook is slightly better. I think if anything, an introduction to this new kind of eating (food types, intervals, etc.) will help wean me off the types of foods that just kill any attempt at dieting for me.

Okay, I'm back.

Well, it's been too, too long. Today I started the "diet" portion of a new weight management program offered by my health insurance. The program started on February 1st, meeting on Tuesday nights. It's in cooperation with the USC School of Occupational Therapy's Lifestyle Redesign program.

I'm excited about what the program offers, but right now, I'm not feeling the food plan. The leader brought in copies of a book called "The 5-Day Miracle Diet" for us to read. Basically, it surmises that overeating is due, in large part, to all of us having "bad" blood sugar - levels that only serve to have us crave foods when we're not really hungry, especially the "bad" foods.

This morning I woke up at 5:45am and made myself a single-egg portion of the Southwestern Egg-beaters, and toasted a slice of whole grain bread. That was breakfast. Two hours from eating that I was required to eat a "hard-chew" fruit or vegetable, I chose a Grapple (an apple that's engineered to smell like a grape!). Two hours later I was required to eat another hard-chew snack, this time I chose baby carrots.

I finished lunch abou twenty minutes ago. It consisted of a slice of toasted whole grain bread, a 3oz. can of tuna (packed in water), a couple more baby carrots, and some spinach salad. I was not pleased with everything.

First off, I do not like vegetables. This has always been a problem for me. I like cooked broccoli only when I can dip it in an accompanying sauce of some sort. I like pickles (they're a vegetable, right?). I do not like carrots, I do not like cucumbers, I am not a salad-girl . This poses a significant problem for me under this new plan, where a significant amount of the food I eat needs to be metabolically-clean (i.e., not the frozen, heat-up variety).

I went to the grocery store last night and spent $130 on groceries. About a week's worth. I don't know about most people, but I cannot afford to spend that much on groceries. I have to admit, I felt pretty proud of my bounty when it came to checkout time. It was a very healthy-looking cart, but ultimately, what does that matter if I can't/won't actually eat half of it?

I'm a bit perplexed about this. I was very happy with the Weight Watchers nutritional program - the Points system really worked for me, and if I would have exercised more (or at all, really), I think I could have garnered even more success.

Honestly, I don't see my lifestyle changing so significantly that I eat the way I've eaten this morning for the rest of my life. Maybe that's the problem. I know I need to give it a little bit more time, and I will give it these first five days, but right now I'm feeling very disappointed.

the hunger! the hunger!

I'm well into day 2 of my TOM, and the hunger has taken over! It's not yet 1pm, and I've managed to eat not only my lunch, but all three of my granola bars (meant as snacks throughout the day). Argh! So now I have nothing but my bottle of One-A-Day Vitamins to get me through 'til after work. F-u-u-u-c-k!

Okay, I need to not panic. I have all the water a girl could possibly want available to me at the water cooler. Let's see, what else do I have in my desk drawer? Some LifeSavers candy, an old box of Mike & Ike's, and some Pepto-Bismol... and a light bulb. I guess I could eat glass instead of that candy, and then gulp down the Pepto to calm the then-shredded stomach. (Sigh.)

It's going to be okay, it's post-lunch, and I'm pretty filled up - sorta. It's just that I always become so ravenous when my TOM hits. I crave hearty things, like BEEF and BURRITOS and CHEESEBURGERS and ENTIRE PIZZAS. And those things are going to sound just fine and dandy when I get home six hours from now.

Speaking of things not to do on an empty stomach, I need to grocery shop tonight. I have no OJ, no more milk, no more cereal, no more fruit, my granola bar reserve has nearly run dry, and I'm two Lean Cuisine boxes away from having an empty freezer. Here's hoping that there's a big sale going on at Vons this week ((fingers crossed)).

week 26 update

Another 1.6 lbs gone - and I finally broke The 19 Pound Or So Plateau Of Summer 2004. I was at or lurching above my 19.2 lbs loss from eight weeks ago, with little gains, and little losses, but never actually reaching that20lbs. mark. Well, I passed the 20 lbs. mark this week - down a total of 21.4 lbs - and received another 5lbs. star last night at the Weight Watchers meeting.

Whew!

That was a rough two months. I nearly quit. I thought that I would never see 218 on the meeting scale. But I did. A little perserverance goes a long way, I guess. And now I'm a measly 1.6 lbs away from my 10% goal (well, the one listed on my WW booklet, anyways). Next week! That's my goal, to work hard this week and stay on track and lose that 1.6 lbs.
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My reward for the "over 1 lbs. loss" this past week was the Weezer: Video Capture Device DVD. As I said in my little "rewards" side-blog blurb, I was once a huge, desperate fan of Weezer's. On the DVD, they have footage from a 1997 tribute show for their then recently-deceased freidns & fan club leaders, Mykel & Carli (& Trysta) - all of whom died tragically in a car accident on the way home from a show.

So I was at the show, in the very front. As I watched the footage last night from the performance, I was scanning the limited shots of the audience for a glimpse of myself (as I was basically in the front row) -and I thought I spotted myself. Not sure, though. At some point I'll have to scroll through the individual frames, use the zoom tool on my DVD player, and mess with the tv's contrast settings in the hopes of highlighting any appearance I may have inadvertently made on the disc. So, so pathetic (but I'm okay with that)!

an active weekend

okay, so, the hike went great! i woke up at the ungodly hour of 4am on saturday morning, and was out hiking by 6:30am (shower, drive 40 miles, pickup friend, drive another 15 miles). the scenery was just as beautiful as i wanted it to be - the sun had just risen, there was a fog draped along the foothills, amongst the yellowed-meadows and oak trees - it didn't even burn off until we were just finishing the hike - which was fine by me (it was, well, rather warm nearing the end of the walk in the hills).

with the exception of a scarily-large blister on my toe, and a slight soreness in one of my leg joints, I came away no worse for the wear. okay, so i was really sore right after, and it felt really bad to walk, but by sunday morning, any residual stiffness was gone and i felt fantastic.

we returned from the hike no later than 10am, and i was so hyped to be up and about that early on a saturday, i didn't want to waste my day by just driving home and going back to sleep, so i decided to visit my grandparents out in whittier. it turned out to be a great decision.

i went out there with my 14-yr-old brother, matt, we picked up a dr. pepper slurpee each for the long drive out, and we had a fun-filled day of playing videogames with some of our cousins, playing with their african grey parrot, watching "the italian job", throwing footballs and frisbees at the younger boys playing in the swimming pool (because I couldn't go in myself), and eating a superb meal of bbq'd cornish hen (which had been pre-purchased marinated from a local mexican grocer - fantastic when dipped in guacamole!!), spanish rice, and corn-on-the-cob. Yummy!

I also treated myself to a single bite of my brother's Ultimate Double Cheeseburger from Jack-In-the-Box. It was yummy, but I couldn't, at the time, imagine eating an entire one! Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

I returned to my house later that evening just totally exhausted!! It's been a long time since I've had such a non-work-related full-day. But I woke up Sunday morning bright and early, ready to take on the world. It's amazing what a little bit of exercise can do for your energy level!

P.S. - I'm really looking forward to my weigh-in tomorrow night. I have a very good feeling about my progress and attention to the program this past week.

went a little crazy

Last night, I went for my weekly-trip to the VONS grocery store around the corner to pick up "supplies" for the next week or so. Unfortunately, almost nothing was on sale, so I ended up paying over $100 for everything. Ouch.

I included, in my purchase, a six-pack of the Silhouette Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches in the BLACK CHERRY FLAVOR! Hello? What was I thinking, that I had some smidge of self-control or something?? I should know better by now, I really should.

Needless to say, I went a little crazy with those heavenly 3-point delights. I consumed four. FOUR! Twelve points of black cherry deliciousness... (sigh). That's what FlexPoints are for, though, right?

In hopes of making up for such a splurge, I'm still very excited about the upcoming weekend hike. It's Thursday today, but it feels like the weekend is ages away. It's been so long since I've taken a proper walk on a dirt road. The forecast is looking fantastic so far. Okay, back to work!

week 25 update

2 lbs. down - back in virgin-fat territory, people!! Plus, I'm only 0.2lbs away from the 20lbs. mark - so that extra star is gonna be mine next week, there's no doubt about that. I could have taken an extra trip to the potty and realized the full 20lbs. loss, but, well, they won't let you do that (damn!).

The big difference in this last week was tracking my points - honestly and completely - nearly obsessively, even. My points-tracker was omnipresent this past week - on my desk at work, in my back pocket on the way home, on my bedside table at home - it was like my oxygen.

And having the proper foods available to me was a billion-times more helpful as well. Although, I did go out on Friday afternoon with my brother for a scrumptuous and over-filling meal of blackened chicken quesadillas at the Daily Grill. Yummy. But I counted it (well, I approximated), so it's all good.

2 lbs!

I'll be attempting a hike this weekend. Okay, I'll be doing the hike. I'm making plans to do it with a friend, so I'll be less-inclined to flake out on it. I think we're going to go to the Ahmanson Ranch area of the Santa Monica Mtns - an easy hike, with lots of oak trees and meadows and whatnot. Plus, it's about a 5-mile loop or so. Nice. Let us all pray for magnificent weather - foggy in the early am, with quick burn-off into sunny skies, with a cool breeze to spare. (A girl can dream!).

week 24 update

Well, I can't report a loss for this last week (in fact, I gained roughly a pound), but last night's meeting was incredibly inspiring. The leader, Sheila, seemed to, yet again, tailor-make the meeting just for me.

I only have a foggy recollection of what was written on the board, but we had several discussions giving really good tips about tracking your points, making it more convenient, and inspiring to keep to your tracker.

Frankly, I haven't been tracking my points continuously, as I was in those first "losing" months. I'm getting back to it now. Here, at my desk, my Points-tracker is sitting in front of me, opened slightly, and I can see exactly what I've injested for the day, and I can see that I have 20 points left.

Also, I went grocery shopping last night. I cannot stress the importance of preparedness for me. If I have enough milk and cereal and granola bars and frozen meals and water, I'm good - if I don't, well, California Pizza Kitchen is always the next-best option, you know what I mean?

I left the meeting last night with renewed determination. I want to hit my 10% before another month has gone by. I'd like to hit it in three weeks, but I'll settle for four if that's what it takes. I'm trying to recreate that mindset I had when I first embarked on WW. So, I'm sticking to my points, I'm going to drown in drinking water for awhile, and I'm going to go out and take some walks in the evenings. This is all easy stuff, and I know it works, so I'm just going to DO it!

nearly lost count!

Man oh man! I needed to break out the calendar to count how many weeks since I've started. Well, it's been 23 weeks. That's almost six months! I'm still getting back on track (if "getting back on track" means eating two quarts of ice cream over the weekend!). This week I've managed (through no merit of my own) to get back down to within 0.2 lbs. within my lowest weight, so I'm pretty happy.

I went to the grocery store last night, a key errand I'm sad to admit I haven't performed in weeks. It's nice to have stuff to eat at the house - and not to be tempted to drop by Del Taco or California Pizza Kitchen for the evening meal. Buying groceries is something I must do every week.

This evening's WW meeting was also imperative for my desire to continue on my weight-loss journey. I had promised the leader, Sheila, that I would show up, at least. Boy am I glad I did!

I felt that this evening's topic was tailor-made for me. We discussed the "stages of weight management", the first stage being the "honeymoon" period. This is that stage when one believes anything is possible, the plan is good, weight loss is easy and the world is pretty peachy. This lasted for quite awhile for me, and while I had very minor ups and downs, I was making steady progess and happy about it.

The second stage is the "thrill is gone" phase. This is when things start becoming more frustrating: maybe you adhere to the plan and you don't lose, or maybe it becomes more inconvenient to stay on track. For me, I'm crawling out of this stage now, towards stage three.

This next stage is founded in recommiting oneself in the program with your head solidly stuck in a cloud of reality. This is where you've seen through the frustration, decide to get back on track, and understand that you will have ups and downs, things are difficult, but that it's all part of the game. 'Tis better to have dieted and lost than not to have dieted at all (and, god forbid, gain!!).

All these hopefully lead to a place where we all want to be: lifestyle change. That feeling of confidence in yourself and the plan, where you're certain this is something you can keep doing for the rest of your natural life.. AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH IT!

I'm far, far away from this blissful state of mind, but I can imagine it. I can envision myself being in this place, and it gives me hope, and lights a little fire under my ass to stick with it. Plus, the weight loss would be super-cool, too.

important phone call

I received a really important, and unexpected, phone call last night. I had just returned home from a really long, difficult day at work, and was just settling in for the evening, when the phone rang. I didn't recognize the number on caller ID, but answered anyway.

"Hi Julie, this is Sheila from Weight Watchers."

What a blessing to receive that phone call! I had slipped a note to my WW leader, Sheila, the night before, requesting she call me if I don't show up to the next meeting. But, she called me last night, and we had a twenty-minute conversation that was really helpful, really cathartic, and infused me with a healthy dose of perspective.

Sheila is a really great leader for the meetings. She made goal seven years ago, continues to work at staying at goal, and is funny as hell in the meetings. She definitely rates high above any other WW leaders I've known in the past. As much as I wanted to frown and slump my way through last Tuesday night's meeting, her wackiness elicited laughter from me on more than one occassion - and that was a big deal.

And her phone call solidified her as a true hero for me in the daunting task ahead of me. Yes, I will be at the meeting next Tuesday. Thank you, Sheila.

last night... and the future

Last night was hard.... Hard with a capital "H". Getting to the center and getting on that scale and sitting through the meeting were just hellish.

I've gained about 5 lbs. from my lowest point, bringing me up to about 223 or so (can't remember, I've blocked most of last night out). The meeting was centered around summer eating ideas, and it just made me want food more and more. So after the meeting, I went and got burritos and ice cream. (Sigh.) Two great tastes that don't exactly taste great together. It's not even about the food or hunger anymore, it's about feeding the craving.

It sucks, royally, but I'm not giving up or giving in. I haven't had that moment (as I have in the past) where I just fall into the idea that I'm going to stay fat forever and weight loss is not for me. That idea has not punctuated itself into my mind yet. And I hope that that's a good thing.

Last night, I left a little note for me leader, asking her to call me if I don't show up next week. I'm not even sure she received the note, as she was busy speaking to other members, and I left it with another staffer requesting her to slip it to the leader before she left.

But I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I'm hoping that I will climb back onto the gravy train that is healthy eating and eagerly arrive at the meeting next week, ready to show a loss.

return of the reluctant

I've been a bad, bad girl. I've been totally out of control, eating quarts of ice cream and whole pizzas and mexican food to my heart's delight. The unfortunate bit is that my heart and my metabolic system are woefully not in sync.

So, I've gone "OP" (off-program). I feel like a total dolt about it. It's been a wasteful few weeks. My plan is to go back to my Weight Watchers meeting tonight to discuss my issues with my leader. What are my issues, anyways?

I suppose my cravings are the bane of my existence, and perhaps a bit of boredom had set in with the program. I don't know. I think I let the fact that I could have a couple of meals a week that were not-exactly-healthy get totally out of control.

I'm lucky, though - it's not like I've gained 10 lbs. or anything from my fit of gluttony. Maybe 2 or 3, but not 10. So it will be good for me to get involved again, but I have to admit, my enthusiasm is lagging behind.

It's my obsessive-compulsive thing doing me a disservice: when I'm focused on something, I become totally obsessed with that, and it becomes central to my existence, so the work gets done. But when it's not the absolute center of all things, it gets pushed to the side, and convenience becomes the over-riding factor. (Sigh.) Maybe tonight will be the kick-in-the-butt that I need.

sorta back...

I've been away for awhile, and it has a lot to do with the fact that I've drifted off-program. I'm working on it, day-by-day, trying to get back in that winning frame-of-mind I had when I first started WW back in February. It's hard, very hard.

Anyhow, Monday was my 29th birthday, and I've decided to commemorate it with my very first real photoblog. I hope you'll all make your way over there from time to time. Feedback, criticism and, well, just any comments or ramblings whatsoever are encouraged!

Here's the link again, in case you weren't paying attention.

a mini update

I am tired and I am hungry and I wanna go home, eat some pot roast and go to sleep for about a week.

little surprises

Occassionally, after waking, I will step on the scale in my skivvies to check on my day-to-day weight loss progress. Of course, this weigh-in is completely unofficial, and I always take it with a grain of salt. My scale appears to be exactly one pound off of te WW scale (mine registers as 1-lbs lower).

Getting on the scale helps me to realize that my weight fluctuates every day, a little lower, a little higher - and I only use the WW weigh-in as a measure of actual loss. Two days ago, the morning before my weekly WW weigh-in, I got on the scale to sort of prepare myself for what I might see later on in the day, and I registered at about 218.

Wouldn't you know, this morning, when I stepped on the scale, it showed that I was down to 214.4. That's the absolute lowest number I've seen on any scale in years! This number, as fleeting and incorrect as it might be, gives me the realization that I can hit the 20 lbs.-loss mark, and I can reach my 10% goal. It's all attainable - I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. The weight loss is slow, it's slower than I'm sure any of us wants it to be - but it's leading to something.

I'm going to use a car analogy: I want a new car (a MINI Cooper!). The new car is rather expensive for my budget, and I have to wait to get it. And while I'm waiting, I have to work hard to save up money for a large down-payment. Saving during these many months is making me smarter about budgeting, and I'm going to come out ahead in the long run. And when my new car actually arrives, it's gonna be such an awesome feeling.

As I attribute that to my weight loss, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, knowing that I'm doing this right, and doing this for keeps.

week 18 weigh-in report

Just got back from my Weight Watchers meeting and registered in at the exact same weight I was at 2 weeks ago. Am I sad, disappointed, upset? Oh, hell no! After the way I've behaved over the last two weeks, I count myself lucky not to have gained.

The meeting was good, we got the "Motivating Strategies" hand-out, and we discussed imagining yourself at your "winning outcome", whatever it may be, and really taking stock of what it was like: imagery, sounds, smells, feelings, etc. I imagined myself coming directly home, heating myself up a chicken & pasta bowl, and watching the Lakers game - and that's exactly what I'm doing.

This next week is going to be good, and, if I play my cards right, next week I will hit the 20 lbs. loss mark.

the waiting game

So I'm sitting here at work during a nice respite, surfing from one diet blog to the next, looking at dieters' overall changes and their daily experiences. And the commonality of the whole patience issue I find really interesting, and really bizarre.

It's a bit bizarre, living one's life waiting for the proverbial paint to dry. We suffer through (and come on, y'all, it is suffering!) weeks and months and years of dieting, food obsession, and exercise ups and downs, and our battles are hard won.

I'm thinking to myself: why can't I feel the loss? I do feel it, at times, but they are fleeting. My turtleneck feels a bit looser in the arms, a recent photo makes me look significantly lighter - heck, my little brother, while helping me off the couch last night (it was one of those couches that sucks you into it) even remarked that it was easier helping me up. But why can't I be cognizant of these changes at all times? Why can't there be a flashing neon sign in my office and at home reading: YOU'VE LOST 20 POUNDS! WAY TO GO! ?

I think weight loss is most-difficult because the effects come on so gradually that you hardly notice them. "Didn't these pants fit last week? Did they not fit? Were they this loose back then? They must have, I don't feel any lighter. Does my face look skinnier? Perhaps, but why is my waist still so huge? Why can't I go from a size 22 to a size 6 LIKE NOW?!?" These thoughts plague me Every. Single. Day. I want to wake up and find myself lean and toned (and, well, with a great tan, too!), I want to be able to do one of those martial-artsy springy moves where I go from a prone position in bed to standing up with a single movement, and I want to find my wallet stuffed with cash so I can go out and buy a whole new wardrobe on the spot. Why can't I? Why must I wait this seemingly-interminable amount of time before people I haven't seen in awhile don't recognize me? Why must this be so difficult??

I don't know. It is what it is, I guess. I knew when I signed on that this wasn't going to be a walk in the park. But some days are just so agonizing. Food is a hard substance to come to grips with - one requires it to survive, so you can't just up-and-quit, but too much of it, or the wrong kind can prove hazardous, as well. On a number of occassions I have silently wished that my addiction was with nicotine, or alcohol. Those hazards can be dropped altogether, and one never need touch them again, but food... well, it's just different.....

...But it's only this time on my hands that's causing me to be so reflective. I just need to keep myself busy, and then I'll be just fine.

two swell things

Two swell things happened today:

1. I got a haircut. The trip to the hairdresser was desperately required, as I haven't had my hair so much as trimmed since before I started my current job (it was way back in September). It's a bit more blond than I would have imagined myself wanting it, but it'll do for now. And when I feel good enough about myself to photograph myself (and post it to my blog, fer christssake!), well, that's a rare celebration...

2. I installed MT-Blacklist - a Movable Type plugin which aids in preventing those nasty comment spams. Installation was a breeze and it de-spammed my comments in a flash - no more deleting hundreds of comments one-by-one in my MT menu, woo hoo!

On another positive note, today has been strictly on-points. I've used them all up and am now down to zero. So, it's just me and my water getting down and dirty tonight. I promise not to eat any more ice cream sandwiches... at least for the rest of the calendar day.

promise of a new day

I cannot believe that I just used a Paula Abdul song for my entry title. I apologize profusely. I also must apologize for the whining and bitching in my last post. I've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately - at work, on the homefront, and of course, the weight-related issues have been tough as well.

But last night I did as I promised - I went to the grocery store and bought roughly a week-worth of food and did not go to Del Taco. This morning I ate breakfast, I have a cup of water in front of me now, and I'm feeling good about hopping back on track.

Let me tell you why else I'm feeling good: I'm terrible about doing my laundry. I always wait until the last possible moment to clean my clothes, and this morning, I hit the wall. I had no clean jeans, or shirts - so I had to dig into the pack of clothes that don't didn't fit. And I'm happy to report that a pair of size 20 jeans which I accidently purchased a couple of years ago that I have not been able to fit into ever, now fits swimmingly. I didn't have to lie down on the bed and suck in my gut to zip them up, they went on with ease. I also had a top that had been hanging in the closet for some time, that I hadn't worn because it was grotesquely tight around me. But it went on this morning and almost made me look (gulp) svelte? That cannot be the right word, because in no way can that word be applied to me... yet. But it fits rather nicely, and it's all adding up to a rather pleasant morning. And it's Friday. That always helps.

week 17 report

Ugh. I'm so burnt this week - not like I've been in the sun or anything, but I am burnt out. I was sick on Tuesday, so I didn't attend my WW meeting - that's the first time in 17 weeks I haven't attended! But my eating has been, well, I've been a bit of an ass with myself about my eating. I have to admit, I've been doing the fast food thing nearly every night - so I'm essentially off-program.

I'm at a very critical stage right now, I understand that. What I do and how I behave over the next few days is going to be pivotal in my decision to remain with Weight Watchers or not. My heart and mind are both telling me to stick with it - but something else is causing me to stray. I don't know what the fuck it is, but it has me in a rut.

And right now I feel sick - just got a bit dizzy here at my desk. I've been lethargic, my stomach has been all crampy, my shoulders have been achey and I've been in a funky mood - all since last Friday (if not before then as well) - and I bet it has everything to do with the crap I'm shoveling into my gut on a nightly basis.

I have to stop - I have to get back on track. I need to get myself to the god-damned grocery store. It's been too long, and I've had a grocery list in my wallet for days now, but I've been avoiding - driving to Del Taco always seems more convenient. Ugh. This is going to stop... tonight. I'm going to go to the grocery store, and I'm going to buy myself a week's supply of food and water and I'm going to get back on track immediately. I'm way too close to my 10% goal, and even closer to having lost 20 lbs.

just another day

Today has been going well - I'm a little ancy because I didn't have a complete breakfast (just a cup of o.j.) and my snack supply has been diminished - so I'm sitting here at work basically running on fumes. Oh, I had a Lean Cuisine Pizza at lunch, and a pudding cup, and a granola bar (plus the am o.j.) - but that's it.

I'd be okay if I had another granola bar or a piece of fruit, but alas, I was frightfully unprepared for today because I neglected to go grocery shopping last night. I have an excuse, though - I was all excited to get home and pump up my brand new GymBall exercise ball. Let's just say that I think the pumping counted as a half-hour's worth of arms and shoulders! That's what I get for ordering the $2.99 hand pump. It's going to take a couple of weeks for the ball to be able to fill to its maximum capacity, so it's a bit smaller than the one I'm used to at physical therapy - but I will make it work.

Physical therapy for my back (feeling very, very, VERY much better, thanks!) has introduced me to the importance of building my core strength. At work, I find myself flexing my abs while doing the most mundane things (like right now, typing). I think these simple exercises have been pivotal in keeping me losing weight when my cardio exercise has been nil.

So I need to go to the grocery store tonight - I really, really do - because not having nonfat milk for my breakfast bowl of Count Chocula is not fun at ALL. But tonight, the grocery will definitely have to wait, because tonight - I'll make no excuses this time, I really am going to start the hikes up at Griffith Park. After gazing at my pedometer read-outs over the last two days, I'm a bit below what the recommended step total is (10,000 recommended - I'm barely pulling in 4000). So hopefully tonight I will kick-start my entry back into the world of the cardio-pulmonary work out. I'm going to take it easy, as I'm sure my lungs are a bit out of shape, but I'm going to do it! Even I have to start off at the very bottom level with the senior citizens!! ;)

update, 5:25pm... Shoot, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it to the Griffith Park hike afterall - I'm really shaky and am craving something to eat. What I think I'll do is grab something to eat on the way home, eat at home, go to the grocery store, and THEN go walking 3x around my block - that way, I won't feel so guilty!

week 16 weigh-in report

I just completed my 16th week showing a 1.6 lbs. loss. Am I finally getting the hang of this? Yes and no.

Yes in that I'm making really steady progress, averaging about a 1.2 lbs. loss per week, and I firmly understand that this is the healthy way to do it - slow and steady.

No in that I still, on a weekly basis, sabotage myself with overeating, or splurging on junky, unhealthy foods. I'm profoundly lucky in that my actions have not yet stopped me from losing steadily. Sure, I've had weeks when my weight went up a bit, or failed to go down more than 1 lbs., but I always recover the next.

But this is all working for me right now. Believe me, I do NOT look forward to the day when I realize I can no longer have a big bowl of full-fat ice cream the night before a weigh-in and still show a loss. But that will be part of the metamorphosis, and I understand that that day will come.
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Last night, after attending a very-successful WW weigh-in and meeting, I found myself compelled to a certain mexican food joint to order my dinner. Let me explain something about this particular "mexican food joint": Before I spontaneously embarked on Weight Watchers seventeen weeks ago, I dined on take-out from this place EVERY week night. Oh, a day may have passed when I craved a burger instead, but for the most part, this place was where I bought my dinner.

It was so bad, that upon walking into the place (I don't even know how to refer to it - a restaurant? a food joint? heaven?), the friendly folks behind the counter would hold up the peace sign, confirming with me whether I wanted my regular TWO bean and cheese burritos with sour cream. And I always nodded in approval. Then, while I waited for the huge, one-is-more-than-enough burritos to be made, I would walk down the mini-mall sidewalk to the liquor store owned by some friendly Sikhs and purchase a 20 oz. Cherry Coke and a Snickers bar for dessert. Always.

And I would go home, turn on the t.v., and stuff all that food and drink down my gullet. It made me all warm and fuzzy inside. And if I tried to stray, tried to go to Subway instead, I would get nervous and fidgety and feel grossly unsatisfied with myself. This was, clearly, an addiction.

With that said, as I mentioned earlier, I found myself drawn back to the place last night. This wasn't a sudden, unforeseen visit. I had returned to the joint a few weeks ago, again, after a meeting. I chalk it up to two things: a stray from my determination to stay away; and location, location, location.

This place is, literally, right around the corner from my WW meeting place. Every time I drive to my meetings on Tuesday nights, I have to drive the same route I used to take nightly to El Casita Tacos al Carbon. And that mental image, and the feeling of being filled with those delicious burritos floods back, tormenting me.

So I nodded again last night when the person behind the counter flashed me the peace sign and drove home with my two burritos. I got home, opened my mail (I received a credit limit increase on one of my credit cards, yay!), turned on the tv, and did my damndest to scarf down those two burritos... And I couldn't do it.

From the very first bite I felt the thickness of it, the obvious heaviness of the food - it felt bad putting it into my mouth. But the taste was good, so I persisted. I finished the first burrito with great pains, but I unwrapped that second burrito all the same. I drank some water to try to "clear the channel" and tried to ingest the 2nd half of my meal.

With one bite, I felt nauseated. I felt so over-stuffed. Within my mouth, the saliva felt thick, and I felt began to feel dehydrated. I had a feeling of tunnel-vision, as if I had been drugged. This was not a good feeling. I didn't feel an urgent need to throw up, there was no room down there for my stomach to so much as grumble with disdain, but I could sense that I was going to be very, very sick. My mouth was very watery, and I made my way to the bathroom to get sick.

It took nearly a half-hour, and I did throw up, a little. Not as much as I so desperately wanted to, but as much as my body would allow. I rose afterwards and felt hot - not "hot" as in "sexy", but "hot" as in "fuck, my face feels really hot!" - I looked in the mirror and my eyes were totally bloodshot, red, and teary and my face was completely reddened. I was a very sick girl.

I slowly made my way back to bed, slowly sipping some cold water, and tried to sleep with a belly full of fuck-all. It was one of those horrendous evenings. I woke up this morning feeling very heavy, still with that full feeling in my stomach, as if my stomach was still trying to process some of that burrito.

I cannot promise that I won't have a similar experience again - I understand now that I have an addiction that I need to work through - but I DO know that writing this down here, and being as descriptive as possible, will help me remember what a fucked-up experience this was, and how I really truly never want it to happen again.

non-stop eating

Ever have one of those days when you just CANNOT STOP EATING? For me, that day was yesterday. Thank goodness I was home all day and banned myself from going out and splurging on a burrito or something, but goddamn, did I go through a lot of food!

It started with the bowls of "Count Chocula". One should have been enough - usually it's enough - but oh no, not yesterday - I must have gone through five bowls of cereal yesterday! And then the frozen Lean Cuisine meals - I had a pepperoni pizza one, and a ravioli bowl, and a chicken fettuccini/broccoli meal. And then there was the fat-free pudding cups.

It comes down to the fact that I know I grossly exceeded my points, but thank god I didn't venture outside, or all all hell would have broke loose... and thank god for FlexPoints!!!

week 15 weigh-in report

Goodness gracious, I showed a 0.4 lbs loss for this last week! That's really beyond my comprehension. Last night I received my 16-week appreciation trinket from WW - but I received it in the privacy of the weigh-in booth, and not in front of everyone else - and that really kinda sucks. That also happened with my 15-lbs loss star sticker - the WW staffer gave it to me at the scale, and so I wasn't singled out with the rest of the "losers" during the meeting. You know, sometimes you just really NEED that ego boost to get you through the week. Ugh, maybe when I get to the 20 lbs. loss mark I can be "publicly" recognized once again, cuz gosh darnit I need it!

I've been wandering within the 17-pound range for several weeks now. I'm back in the bad-habit of eating out at night - and that needs to stop right-quick. I have a meal at home to get me through tonight, but tomorrow (payday), I'll have to hit the grocery store to stock up... but wait, that will have to go AFTER my evening hike, because I have arranged to go on the Sierra Club's Thurdsay night Griffith Park hike with a friend from work. I used to go on these hikes several years ago virtually every Tuesday and Thurdsay night, and I was so crazy I would even get up early in the morning to hike up to Mt. Hollywood at, like, 5:30 am!

My back is feeling much better, and I've heard from several people that hiking has really helped with their bad backs, so I feel pretty good about going out tomorrow night. I'm going to take it really easy - I'm only going to do the level 2 hike (they have up to level 6, I believe, comprised of crazy people who start sprinting once the hike starts!!!). Hopefully the re-introduction to formal exercise (and not just stretching) is going to make me start feeling much stronger and will help me get back on track with more consistent weight loss.

So it's proven difficult to get myself back on the program, but I simply have to. I've done so well so far (17.6 lbs in 15 weeks), and at that rate I could be down another 36 lbs or so by Christmas, which would bring me all the way down to (gasp!) about 184 lbs!!!! Wow. Those numbers speak volumes for me - I haven't been down to 184 in YEARS. Okay, I am a new, resolute Julie now!

getting back on track

It's been nearly a two-week slump I've been in. My eating has been, well, BAD. I've made very poor food choices. I've been to Del Taco, California Pizza Kitchen, Dominos Pizza, and that mexican food joint that's been haunting me since before I began WW (Casitas Tacos al Carbon); I've had soda and Snickers bars and cupcakes and Slurpees. With the exception of breakfast and lunch at work, I've been essentially off-program.

I haven't been logging my food intake. Last week, after my weekly weigh-in (up only a shocking 0.6 lbs.), I chose not to stay and sit through the meeting and instead went and got myself not one, but two burritos. I haven't been a healthy shopper - my grocery shopping altogether has gone on hiatus, which is really, really bad - because there's nothing more likely to make a dieter go off-program than an unstocked refrigerator.

This morning, I had several compliments from co-workers about how "skinny" I'm looking lately. I'm hopeful that these remarks will help me get back on track, back on program, and back to losing.

I feel like my body is fighting my will - like my body wants to be losing weight, yearns to be feeling fitter and trimmer and stronger. But something in my spirit just isn't as "into it" - and that little devil on my left shoulder is constantly whispering "mmmm... sour cream..." into my left ear. But my body keeps trying to burn the calories, en masse.

So, right now, I'm making a deal with my body - I will not ingest the horrible, junky foods that make it feel like a junkie getting a fix (I'll save my post-burrito story for another entry), and I'll attend my Weight Watchers meeting tonight and go to the grocery store afterwards and log all my points and get some activity in and start drinking gallons of water again... I promise.

a bad week

My eating this week. Bah, it's been atrocious. I've been staying over at my Dad's house while he was away in Hawaii (he came back on Saturday, thank goodness!), and that environment change has caused me to stumble. Now, I know I've been rattling off that I've been able to eat whatever I want and still *magically* lose weight, but I don't think my behavior this last week will post any positive results.

I think nearly every day this past week I've had at least one meal that's been "fast food" - delivery pizza, sit-down mexican restaurant food or (frightened gulp) Del Taco. On Friday I had a particularly stressful (and long) day at work; working well into the evening and had nothing to snack on. No granola bars or fruit, so I gathered up all the loose change I could and bought a Snickers bar anda cherry coke from the vending machine downstairs. I even had one of those Big Reese's Peanut Butter Cups yesterday (with a Dr. Pepper slurpee) - and to top it off my Dad made steak and baked potatoes (with sour cream, of course) last night.

But last night was my last night at his house. I moved back to Glendale late last night with a horrible stomachache. I stopped at the grovery store to get some cereal, nonfat milk, water, and some Lean Cuisines to help get me back on track. Today the cravings are having their way with me. But I'm going to get through this. Last week has been my most major foul-up. It was bound to happen. I've introduced many stressors into my life as of late, and all this was bound to metastasize into poor eating on my part.

But I'm trying to utilize every bit of trickery in the book to fight the urges:

1) I felt horrible last night, just terrible. My stomach was in knots and at one point the pains were so bad I bent over in agony, waiting for the stabbing pain in my gut would subside. Me and pain, we ain't friends.

2) Eating shitty food is expensive. Two trips to a sit-down restaurant cost me nearly $30. And I don't need to be eating any fast food when I already have frozen meals in the fridge. I need to be hunkering down and saving every extra bit of cash I have for the MiniCooper I plan on purchasing really soon.

3) I'm fucking fat, and the way I got here was by eating the way I did last week. If I can't value my own health over junk food then I've got huge problems.

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On a more interesting note: has anyone seen the documentary Super-Size Me? This guy traveled around the U.S. interviewing experts and citizens alike about the "country's expanding girth", and allowed himself only to eat McDonald's food for an entire month. Turns out he seriously endangered his life in doing so. Funny how we are so inclined towards this very sort of lifelstyle - slowly killing ourselves. I heard a little bit of an interview with him on the radio this morning, and what I founf most fascinating was that he spoke about his desperate cravings while he was eating that crappy fast-food all the time. How he would get all sweaty and shaky and sick-feeling, he would get massive headaches - and nothing would stop the feeling until he sucked down another Quarter Pounder with cheese.

I'm sure we could all identify with these feelings, couldn't we?

Anyways, I think I'm going to drag myself to a viewing of this film tonight, as sort of a kick-in-the-butt to scare myself back into a proper reality.

week 13 weigh-in report

Blech. I was not in a good mood yesterday. I had some bad stuff floating around in my head. I had a dream last night wheere I got into a fight with the unnamed co-worker mentioned yesterday in my angry post. I remember feeling really embarrassed about my actions in my dream, so I think it's time I stop harboring all this anger towards her. But she was here this morning, smacking her gum. I can even hear her now (smack, smack smack). (Breathe in, breathe out). Relaaax...

Okay now, on to the weigh-in report. I lost again! 1.2 lbs this week. It's been thirteen weeks now, so I think any "beginner's luck" has worn away by now and I can honestly say, damn! i'm doing a great job! I'm averaging at least a pound or more a week. It's definitely slow-going, as I have about 100 total pounds to lose (although I haven't yet decided on an ultimate goal target-weight yet). If I'm down 50 lbs. total by my one-year mark, I'll feel very accomplished (of course, I want to be down 50 lbs. by Christmas time!).

I seem to have come to a nice balance with my eating habits. I'm obviously not a strict adherent to the WW plan: I don't get enough fruit or vegetables, I can always drink more water, and a formal exercise regime will need to restart in a few weeks (after the back has a bit more time to heal properly). And if I have a desire to eat something, I just eat it, and get over it. But it seems to be working for me so far.

I recently dug up an old WW membership book from 1999 or something, and noticed that I have exceeded both my weeks on plan and weight lossed since then. It was a good feeling to dig that up. I didn't immediately think, "Oh, if I had only stuck with the plan, I'm so stupid for not sticking to it then, I could've been at goal weight by now fer shure". Nope, my immediate feeling was accomplishment. Woo. Hoo.

I'm feeling very positive about the plan I've assembled (with the help of Weight Watchers, obviously). I strongly believe I have the tools and capability to get down to a considerably lower weight and considerably higher fitness level. Go me.

co-worker

My co-worker is annoying the hell outta me right now. She's a gum-smacker. She can't chew gum without fucking smacking her fucking mouth - and it's constant! I've tuned into an online radio station in the hopes that it would block it out - but it's not. She's totally driving me insane. Is there any POLITE way to tell someone to spit their fucking gum out of their fucking mouth before I fucking pounce?!?

Sorry, I'm in a mood. And it's a weigh-in day. And I just got the estimate for how much it's going to cost to fix my car.

week 12 weigh-in report

I am happy to announce that after a one-week gain, I am back on the losing side again this week. I'm down 2 whole pounds.

This last week has been difficult (as is any, really). I have been staying at my father's house while he is away in Hawaii, with my two youngest brothers. They live on a strict diet of pizza and Mountain Dew... and they never gain an ounce, damn them! I have to admit that I've had two Mountain Dews this week and more personal deep-dish pizzas than my Points would allow. The Mountain Dew was really less than inspiring. I remember Mountain Dew being a daily treat - I'd drink one with a Snickers bar in the afternoon for that pick-me-up we all need at around 3pm. But this one just didn't taste the same. The taste was so sweet that it was almost bland... does that make sense? I'm so accustomed to only drinking water that this liquid injection just came off as "ew".

I'm sad to say I cannot say the same thing about the personal deep dish pizzas. I don't know the brand name off the top of my head, but each of these things has what I think amounts to 23g of fat.. it might be more, I'm trying to block it out. And they are so delicious, delicious like the junkie refers to his smack, delicious. I know it's bad for me, and I resent myself for each bite I take, but damn it feels so good.

But no more (at least for the time being)! I'm going to stick to my Lean Cuisine French bread pizzas if it kills me (which it won't).

Going back to my loss, I'm quite happy about it. I'm really starting to understand the gist of weight loss. I don't have to sacrifice everything, actually, I can eat quite well. I just need to pace myself, learn what schedule my body best appreciates.

Oh, and one last thing: No more DVD rewards (at least for the time being). I'm planning on purchasing a new car very soon -- I just put in my loan application. The new plan is this - every week that I lose more than one pound, I will put $25 extra bucks (the average cost of the DVD's I purchase) into my savings account.

And if I gain, I have to put $50 in (just kidding).

week 11 weigh-in report

Well, I've posted in the good weeks, I might as well post in the bad, as well!

I'm up 2.6 lbs. this week.

I attribute it to a couple of different things: I was really sick from new meds (and, alas, was not able to eat for at least a day) last weigh in, and had a rather obscene amount of loss (3.6 lbs.). The not-eating, I think, was really harmful to my metabolism. Plus, my TOM is due any day now, so I'm really feeling the PMS-bloat. Also, with my back being so out of it, I haven't been able to exercise at all, save for a few stretching exercises.

I felt really, really bad right after the weigh-in. My mind was going 100 miles per second with all sorts of junky thoughts. During the entire WW meeting, I was trying to suppress the urge to get a burrito right after the meeting - funny, I always have the urge to pick up a certain burrito from a certain restaurant during meetings, as the old haunt is literally right around the corner from the meeting - but last night the urge was profoundly more severe. I sat through the entire meeting, in a lot of pain, feeling badly about my results, and also feeling pretty much powerless over anything.

But when I got in my car, I somehow resisted the urges I had and forced myself to drive home. Once home, I did some mild stretches to alleviate the discomfort and heated me up a Healthy Choice meal. I fell asleep, exhausted, in the middle of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy - blasphemy!

I feel better this morning. Last night was the first week I didn't record a loss, and it was the first week I actually recorded a gain. Through the meeting, I was setting myself up for a habit of going off-program whenever I showed a gain - but I fought it, knowing that behavior wouldn't help my loss in the long run.

Perpective is a bitch, but it can be one of the most important tools to utilize sometimes.

success!

It was IN MY HAND!!

Last night I traveled to my father's house to do some laundry (well, have my little brother do it for me, as my back is, well, you know). I was starving when I arrived, as I hadn't snacked properly before. I ravenously scanned his freezer compartment, finding (thankfully) some Healthy Choice entrees. I heated myself up an enchilada meal and gobbled it down within ten minutes.

Back to the kitchen. I was doing that whole aimless wandering thing through the cupboards and fridge. You know, that I'm sort of hungry, but don't know what I want so I'll just look in here and see if there's anything that piques my interest sort of wandering.

And when I opened up his pantry doors, I was treated to a dirty, dirty, FILTHY sight. A pile, nay, a mountain of candy bars. Who keeps Mount Fucking Butterfinger in their food pantry?!? Evil people, I tell ya, evil people bent on my own personal diet failure, that's who!

Three Musketeers, Milky Way, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, the aforementioned Butterfinger - they were all accounted for. My mouth immediately felt insanely watery. I couldn't resist, I picked up one of the twenty-seven available Three Musketeers bars.

And you know the very first thing I did when it was in my hand? No, I didn't sniff it or give it a freshness rating by touch - I folded over the back flap and looked at the nutritional information. It was instinctual! The minute I saw that it was 260 calories and had about 7 grams of fat, I set it back a-top the pile.

But I wasn't done yet. Nooo, no, no, no... there was a Milky Way bar staring me in the eye, yearning to be picked up, and again, I didn't resist. But what did I do again? Yes, I read the nutritional info the manufacturers try so hard to shield you from eyeballing. This was 270 calories and had a whopping 10 grams of fat. And it's even smaller than the Three Musketeers bar!!

So I dropped the Milky Way as fast as I could and closed the pantry doors. I didn't run, screaming like a mad person, out of the kitchen. I wasn't done yet, I wasn't satisfied with my grazing just yet. I needed something, anything to appease my need.

"Dad, do you have any bottled water out in the garage?"

Thank sweet-Jehosevah he did. I grabbed me a cold bottle of water out of the "2nd fridge" out in the garage and pulled me off a less-than-ripe banana, and then ran screaming like a mad person out of the kitchen.

Moral of the story: Next time, suck it up and go to the damned laundromat!

week 10 weigh-in report

Um, 3.6 lbs. loss this week!?!?

I'll be brief: I re-injured my back last Wednesday. Pain! I've been to three doctors since Thursday. I'm whacked out on all kinds of different drugs. I missed the first two days of work this week. I'm back at work right now but I hurt so bad I just want to cry.

Last night I managed to wake myself up long enough to make the quick trip for the Weight Watchers weekly weigh-in. 3.6 lbs. was a huge loss, but I could've cared less. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. I was a little mad at myself for pulling myself out of the house for a weigh-in, as I was in so much pain. But I wanted that damned 15 lbs. star, dammit!

I think a reason the loss registered as so huge was because I had hardly eaten anything on Monday or Tuesday. The meds just made me not-hungry. But today I've been forcing myself to eat.

So I won't be exercising for quite awhile, save for stretching twice daily and whatever other tasks my physical therapist has me doing. The lack of exercise certainly hasn't slowed my rate of weight loss. Waah, I just want to feel better.

week 9 weigh-in report

I'm still really nearly-ecstatic from last night's weigh-in (can't be all the way ecstatic, as I'm at work right now). I'm down a whopping 2.6 pounds! That was the biggest loss I've registered yet! As I mentioned on the Weigh-Better forum, I was so happy to see the number 224.8 on the scale last night that I clapped for myself in front of the WW staffer.

I had been looking forward to the meeting all day yesterday. I was feeling slimmer and figured I had lost - but I didn't even imagine that it would be so much! Woo hoo!

Enough bragging, what the 224 number means is that I'm going to need to drop the number of Points I'm getting for the day from 28 to 26. The leader at the meeting suggested I drop to 27 for this week (as I'm still ever-so-slightly above 224) to make the change less severe. My first Points alteration, yay! So that's that.
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I woke up this morning at the ungodly hour of 5:30am because I absolutely had to go to the laundromat!! My mantra of "where there's clean underwear, there's a way" had to be resigned as I was fresh out of clean slacks - and one cannot go to work in less-than-fresh pants, no matter how many pairs of clean underwear one has.

The laundry-doing, as usual, was hell on my back. It's not like I'm manually raking the clothes across a washboard or anything, but it's the bending over to pickup discarded clothing in the dirty clothes pile, heaving the bags into my car and the folding that kills me every single time. Perhaps I need to look into purchasing two bag-lined hampers, a roll-away cart and a fucking handmaid to do my folding!

So I managed to make it back home without being completely immobilized by my pained back, hop in the shower, and get dressed for work. Here's the fun part: I can remember those days (not so long ago) when putting on my jeans in the morning was a ritual best described as torture. I had to suck in my gut, lie down on the bed and say a breathless prayer to get the zipper up. You all know how it goes!

But this morning I was suddenly struck with the awareness that I needn't do the ritual anymore. My somewhat-wet jeans went on like a dream, with even some room to spare! Room to spare! Heck, they're almost, dare I say, too baggy. All my clothes are fitting a lot less snug these last two or three weeks, and whenever that occurs to me, it puts a little spring in my step. Can't wait to pull out those size 20 jeans that I mistakenly purchased about two years ago!
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This evening I have two choices of what I can do: I can see another free screening of the excellent, excellent, excellent Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind here at the screening room at work, or I can go to Griffith Park and do their night walk. I'm leaning towards going to the screening, because I have firm plans to go to the walk tomorrow night (as I'm sure they have their beginners group on Thursdays, as opposed to Wednesdays), and that movie is so darned good!

Decisions, decisions... I guess I'll see how my back is feeling towards the end of the day. Okay, have a great day y'all (really, I'm not Texan).

mile-pebbles

Yesterday, I refused cake at a family baby shower... and a few people audibly gasped.

This morning I was able to, quite comfortably, latch my bra on the second column instead of the third.

Small victories are everywhere!

week 8 weigh-in report

Last night I went to my weekly-weigh in at WW with another staggering 1.4 lbs. loss. It's incredible to me. With my back still being at roughly 50%, I've been refusing to exercise. Well, I haven't been totally sedentary, but I haven't been breaking out the treadmill. I've started to take the 3 flights up and down the work parking sructure again, and have tried to walk as much as possible. I've been doing some small stretches to try to help with my back, and done one session of "arms" - but other than that, no exercise.

And my eating, well, it leaves a lot to be desired. My brother visited me over the weekend, and we managed to go out for California Pizza Kitchen, we ordered pizza from Pizza Hut on Sunday - heck, I even had a Dr. Pepper Slurpee! I haven't had a Slurpee in years.

For whatever reason, I still managed to drop some weight this week, and not a measley amount - over a whole pound of flesh is gone. I just can't fathom it. Perhaps my body has just decided that it really wants to lose the weight, and will continue even when my will is not so great. Maybe my body needs that occassional extra "fuel" to kick it into high gear. Okay, now I'm just making stuff up...

This is the important part: I'm still on program. I haven't had that moment yet when, after a "splurge", I decided to give up, or thought that I wanted to continue eating that way continuously all day, every day. I always go back to my regular menu plan the next day. My goal is that the time between splurges increases. I know that I will always crave certain kinds of foods. I just cannot imagine myself not having a soft-spot for a certain burrito from a certain mexican food place, or a particular brand and flavor of ice cream. The difference, I hope, is that instead of eating TWO burritos and a PINT of said ice cream EVERY OTHER DAY, I can treat myself to the items in smaller portions every now and again. (I am, also, happy to say that since I've been on WW, I have not resorted to my two most favorite trigger foods, vaguely highlighted above. Small victories.)

Lastly, my goals for this week:
1) Start to implement exercise again - maybe two sessions on the treadmill?
2) More water.

weigh-in report - week 7

Last night was another weigh-in. The weigh-in where I thought I would register no loss, or even a gain... and I showed a loss. Only a 0.6 lbs. loss, but that's a loss. For sure, it could've been due to the nervous sweating I was doing on my way to the WW office, but I'll take what I can get.

I broke down and got some take-out last night from Crocodile Cafe in Glendale. I got their Tequila Lime Fettuccini plate with garlic mashed potatoes and bread.

I ate all of it.

I stuffed myself silly on it, appeasing whatever weird cravings I had earlier. I forced all the potatoes down. These were more than healthy portions, mind you. I ate up all the bread and cleaned my plate. Afterwards, the physical effects were pretty ugly.

I felt my stomach engorged, as if it were going to explode under any further pressure. But emotionally, I was numb. I had no ill-feelings about the meal. I had no good feelings about the meal. It just was.

I woke up several times in the middle of the night with terrible heartburn. I had to get up and sip down cool water to get back to sleep. I tossed and turned and woke with every little sound. I looked in the mirror at about 3am and saw dark circles under my eyes, but my face was puffy, and I felt miserable.

It was an amazing lesson.

Before, my body was so accustomed to eating huge portions - I mean HUGE portions! After narrowing down my food intake over the last 7 weeks, it's been a kind of detox - and the effects of overeating are really swift and discomforting.

And that's a blessing.

I won't soon be engaging in another "eating spree", I don't want to feel again what I felt last night - it just wasn't worth it.

more of the same

As I was driving home from work last night, at least a dozen different specific food cravings came to the fore, nagging me to change my route and pick up a burrito or three from Casitas Tacos al Carbon in Burbank, or to grab the Tostada Lime Chicken Pizza at California Pizza Kitchen in Glendale, or a pint of ice cream from the Baskin-Robbins near my house.

It took every last drop of my mental power and restraint to park in front of my apartment instead of drive on to CPK. Right up until I made the turn I didn't know what I was going to do. I felt like I was schizophrenic in some regard:

Bad me: "Get the pizza"
Good me: "No, DON'T get the pizza!"
BM: "You know you want it, and it'll taste so good!"
GM: "STOP. Pull the car over. You're going to be on-program today if it kills us!"

Can I say "ack"? It's too, too much. As I walked from my car to my front door, it wasn't pride or resilience I was feeling - it was bitterness, self-defeat, anger at myself for behaving so idiotically. The first moments inside my home were spent trying to vent the nervous energy: throwing off my shoes, fluffling and straightening the duvet on my bed, picking up and throwing socks from the night before into the massive laundry pile in the corner, grabbing a Lean Cuisine from the freezer, roughing the box up a bit, and tossing it into the microwave. It was like the scene with Sandy Bullock from the beginning of Miss Congeniality when she comes home in an angry fit - except I didn't go falling over my bed or hitting a punching bag (but if I had one...).

And I ravaged that Lean Cuisine when it was finished cooking. After, I grabbed a fat-free pudding to hopefully finish off the points for the day. But no dice. I exceeded my allocated points by about 4. I was not happy about it. I am not happy about it.

I think I may be going through that phase of my "lifestyle change" (well, diet, one of more than a few in the past) when I go to the dark side. My cravings and bingeing memories come up with mad vengeance, and I give in to them, and soon after end up giving up, thinking "I can't do this, I'll never be capable of doing this".

To add possible injury to the insults I've lodged towards myself in the last few days, today is a weigh-in. I expect a gain. I hope to remain the same as last week. I dream the impossible dream of loss. Tonight the light will be shed on how my activity (or, inacitivity, coupled with bingeing) affects my body - at least in the short term.

As I type this I'm still mad. I'm desperately hoping to remain on-program today, knowing that it's me and me alone who has the power to lose the weight, or the power to completely lose. Right now I'm not comfortable with my chances on the former.

the binge

I can pin-point the precise moment when the weekend went to proverbial shit. I remember a foreboding feeling, and shrugging it off in a moment of feigned self-control.

I was in the VONS supermarket, shopping on Saturday morning, after my chiropractic appointment. I had just been in the frozen foods aisle, and was absolutely delighted that the Lean Cuisines were on sale for 4 for $7. I made my way to the next aisle over, which held the fat-free pudding snacks, but also held the frozen desserts. After picking up a six-pack of Fat-Free chocolate Jello pudding cups, I browsed the diet frozen dessert section, which was a bad move.

They were fully-stocked with all the SmartOnes line, along with the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, but they also had, on sale the Healthy Choice Vanilla Caramel Ice Cream Bars. I had fallen to these ice cream bars before, what with their delicious caramelly-flavor. They were 3-point snacks, so not exactly the wisest choice a dieter could make, but just a bit better that picking up a pint of Ben & Jerrys… or were they???

I could not resist picking up TWO of these 6-packs. The deal was just too good. And that was when I failed this weekend. I knew that these desserts hit a soft-spot in me, but I chose to purchase them in the hopes that I could override my rabid desire to gobble them up. I chose wrong.

I got home and unpacked the groceries. I was still proud of myself, having saved $43 on groceries (the total was around $36 – that’s an entire week of food people!!). I turned on the television and heated myself up a frozen Lean Cuisine – the Creamy Chicken rice bowl, I believe. It was an early lunch, I thought, coming before noon, but I figured I would be spending most the rest of the day in bed (with my bad back and all), and that I would probably nap until late into the afternoon.

After gobbling up the meal, I was not satisfied. I went to the freezer and opened up the Healthy Choice Ice cream Bars and grabbed one out. I thought to myself, “Just this one”, and gobbled this up, as well.

It was so gooood! I couldn’t help myself, I had to grab another. And before the day was through, I had gobbled my way through EIGHT of these ice cream bars. I wasn’t satisfied with just finishing off a pack, I had to open up the second as well. It was not a good day.

And yesterday wasn’t any better. I finished off the remaining pack (that’s 4), I had TWO of the Lean Cuisine Chicken Fettuccini Alfredo with Broccoli meals and TWO Lean Cuisine microwave pizzas, as well as other snacks, a couple of baked apple granola bars and pudding cups mixed in for kicks.

Needless to say, I exceeded my points values for the weekend. I felt terrible. Last night, as I was preparing my second frozen pizza in a row, I thought about this weblog, and thought about what I was going to write in this very post. I imagined the title for it, and desperately tried to examine what was motivated me to overeat.

Sure, my back was hurting me like a sonofabitch, which precluded me from going out and doing something fun, or even something constructive (like laundry), but my back pain was not being appeased by the incessant eating. I don’t know what happened, but I DO know that I have sincere control issues when it comes to dessert items, and I cannot let myself tempt myself like that any longer.

I will not be purchasing any sort of dessert-food items in the near future. I will not keep them in the house. If the urge is strong enough, I will go out and “treat” myself to a standard helping of whatever goodie I’m craving so desperately, but I will not, for god’s sake, keep a whole box of the evil food in my fridge!

advil-induced psychosis

I apologize in advance for this post. I'm under the spell of approx. 1000 mg of ibuprofen since 9:30am, and I'm feeling on a cloud of sorts. I apologize for misspellings, bad grammar, or just a woefully unnecessary post, but it's been awhile, and I'm on lunch, so who cares!

For about a week and a half I've had terrible lower-back pain brought on by a cleaning fit the Sunday before last. You know, where you just HAVE to clean EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY of the house? I was down on all fours, scrubbing the shower stall, using my awesome new vacuum cleaner to zap up any and all bits of dirt and fluff which may be present on the floor, behind the entertainment center, under the bed, etc. Clothes were piled, loaded, washed, unloaded, and filed away again.

And now, over a week and a half later, my back is still so so sore! I went and purchased a heating pad and a new bottle of Advil last night - both of which didn't seem to help much at all. This morning seemed the worst day yet, as I was unable to get my shoes on (hence, I'm wearing some Adidas flip-flops at work... so professional!). I'm walking around stiff as a board, wincing as I walk up and down the ramps.

It's visible to everyone at work that I'm in a bit of pain and, bless their hearts, they've all proffered their advice, horror stories, and chiropractic referrals. None are really helpful. I know exactly what caused this. I am too fat, and I overexhausted an already poorly-developed muscle. The pain will subside, eventually (hopefully soon). And when the pain is gone I need to seek out therapy in the form of exercise that will strengthen the muscles involved. And I need to lose some weight. Blah blah blah. I know all of this. I'm working on it.

In the meantime, I'm going to be attending my WW meeting tonight for my weekly weigh-in. Hopefully I will still be on the downward spiral (even though my exercise this week has been, regrettably, absent).

dream a little dream

On Sunday I spent half the day doing laundry - picking the mess out of my closet, sorting them into loads, shoveling the loads into bags, then into my car, then into the washer and dryer at my dad's house. And then came the folding, and then the loading, and then the filing back into my closet.

All of this served to mess my lower back up just enough to keep me in a little bit of pain over the course of this week. I can feel it now, as I sit in my ergonomically-correct office chair. That dull sense that things are misaligned, or that a muscle is pulling the wrong way. Every time I reach for my water cup I feel it, when I stand up, sit down, reach down to relace my shoestrings, oh man, I feel it.

I'm really looking forward to the day when I can spend half of it doing laundry, the other half hiking, and then come home, feeling no pain or stiffness in my back at all. What a great day that would be! (Of course, it would be even better if someone else would do my laundry, but that's another dream entirely!)

small change

How was everyone's weekend?

Mine was very good. On Saturday, I went to the beach with the little brother. He wanted to do some rock collecting and I wanted to breath some fresh salty sea air. I couldn't have picked a better weekend to go! It was beautiful. And, gosh darnit, I came prepared! We stopped off at Subway to pick up some sandwiches before heading out, I brought along some bananas, and some green grapes (mmmm) and a S'mores granola bar for myself. Oh, and a boat-load of water. Sea water just doesn't do it for me.

After some fun and shenanigans on the beach, we headed off to my friends' new house in West L.A. After some chit-chat the group headed out for some vegan food at Native Foods in Westwood. I had some sort of fried "chicken" burger, and my little brother was introduced to veganism with what they referred to as the "Meat Lover's Pizza"... oh, I do love misnomers!

After the food we went out to see a movie (Hidalgo) and then drove back home, exhausted. On Sunday I spent more than half the day doing laundry. But my eating was rock-solid. While I cannot, unfortunately, account for the Points value of the Vegan fried "chicken" burger, I allocated 9 points for it and moved on.

I didn't freak out thinking "oh my god! they don't list points values!! what ever am i going to do!?!"... I enjoyed it.

I'm getting more comfortable eating out. At work we have eat-out lunches almost once a week, and they never pick the "healthy" places to munch - it's always the mexican restaurant down the street, or that steakhouse up the block. On the three occassions since I've been on WW that I've chosen to join the team, I've been what I consider to be very good.

At El Torito I checked for Points values online, successfully, and planned accordingly. At Don Cuco's, alas, no points values, but I shared a two chicken enchilada plate with a co-worker (that meant one for me - not tricking the coworker into letting me eat hers as well), and drank lots and lots of water. At the Saddleranch Chop House, I ordered what I do normally (the Tequila Lime Chicken sandwich with garlic mashed potatoes - mmm), but only ate half the sandwich, and 1/4th of the potatoes - and also drank lots of water.

On the whole, I'm feeling better about my overall food choices. I'm working hard to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet (though I'm still below where I should be on that), and my portion control restraint is growing better as the weeks pass.

blech

I'm having one of those days where I feel sickness coming along. I was quite sick just about six weeks ago which led to a day and a half off from work (which should have been at least three days, in hindsight). But now some of my co-workers are ill, and I've been training a new lady today and yesterday who is just getting over being really sick (her voice is still gone). My other office-mate is coughing and sneezing and hacking behind me.

My face feels flush, hot, and has that feeling like I'm on the brink of a headache. I'm feeling weak, and that space between my shoulder blades has some muscle soreness. You know that feeling. I'd just rather be napping right now.

To top this day off, it's very slow at work - slower than I've seen it since my first week here - so the days are feeling longer and loooonger. Time seems to be stretching out before me with the day's end being nowhere in sight. I do have a WW meeting tonight to look forward to - and, of course, America's Next Top Model - but it's gonna be a heck of a long time before 6pm rolls around.

Looking forward to tonight, I have that weigh-in, and I'm really hoping to get my 5 lbs. bookmark tonight. I have 1.4 lbs. to lose to reach that mini-mini goal - that first celebratory experience for all WeightWatchers out there. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

wasteful weekend

I did nothing this weekend. And when I say nothing, I mean I didn't leave the house... not even once. Is that bad? Yes, I know it is. Saturday was spent relaxing, watching movies and the Independent Spirit Awards on Bravo. I finished out the day with 80 mins on the treadmill.

Sunday was more of the same, watched the Academy Awards. No real exercise, save for lifting the 3lbs. hand weight for a few reps. I found it a challenge to keep myself from eating all of the Fat Free Pudding Cups in my fridge. I must have had a wicked sweet tooth the last half of last week, because I finished off an entire pack of SmartOnes Ice Cream Sandwiches and Sundae Cones! Is that bad? Of course it is. I need to keep those desserts to a minimum. Perhaps not purchasing them will help.

I'm beginning to feel slight changes in my body. The shirt I'm wearning this morning feels like it's hanging a bit looser than usual. And my jeans are all fitting less snug, which is awesome. I have not been taking inch measurements at all. But the clothes are feeling looser, and I cannot wait until my pants are falling off me and I have to switch to my older clothes! All in time, all in time.

I'm off to heat up my Lean Cuisine Deluxe Pizza for lunch right now... bye!

good times

I apologize for the last post - wait, NO I DON'T! ;) I've been dealing with wavering thoughts, as can be clearly seen in the previous post - but I can reasonably chalk that up to my TOM.

It's no matter, I kicked my TOM in the ass last night by walking on the treadmill for 45 mins. 45 whole minutes... with inclines!! And not those weak 3.0 inclines - I was up there at 7.0 and 8.0 most of the time, peaking at 9.0 near the end. I sweat all those bad thoughts out, took two Aleve to help with cramps overnight and woke up refreshed and ready to go.

I drove in to work today listening to a mix cd of some of my embarrassingly favorite singles: "Milk Shake" by Kelis, "Rock Your Body" by Justin Timberlake, "Toxic" by Britney, "Groove Is In The Heart" by Deelite, "Get Busy" by Sean Paul, "Come Into My World" and "Can't Get You Outta My Head" by the wonderful Kylie, and "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce Knowles.

Keep in my mind, I'm more an alternative/punk music girl, but there's something that makes me go all giddy while listening to tracks like these. Anyhow, I'm sitting at work, waiting for the day's work to really start flowing, and I'm pumped for the weekend!

stepping up

I feel like I need to step things up a bit. After my third week, I'm down a grand total of 3.6 lbs. That's an average of 1.2 lbs. per week. I guess I'm struggling with the time factor, yet again. At this rate, to get down to my real "goal" weight - at least two years, more likely three.

I'm trying to persuade myself that I did not put on all this weight overnight, so I won't take it off overnight. I'm trying to persuade myself that I have the patience and a will to last that long. It's so frustrating how all these negative thoughts just creep to the surface of one's psyche attempting to mess things up.

I've been doing really good. 3.6 lbs.... gone... I've been moderately exercising 3 times per week. I have not felt myself suffer the ill effects of the average "diet". Not yet, anyways.

See, what was that? "Not yet, anyways"? I need a paradigm shift, and pronto.

I guess this is where the "one day at a time" mantra comes in. To get through today, I need to go to the grocery store to re-stock with frozen meals and nonfat snacks and water. Tonight, I need to get back on the treadmill - it will make me feel better.

Tomorrow, I've been invited to a multi-coworker birthday lunch celebration at Don Cuco's, a local Mexican restaurant. Their points values are, unfortunately, not available. Perhaps I won't go.

Immediate goals for this week:
-Keep drinking all that water
-Bump exercise up to 4 times per week
-Implement strength training with resistance bands (or at least buy the bands)
-Stick to program over the weekend - do not eat out this weekend

I think that will do it for this week. It will be an experiment to see what results I can get by sticking straight to the plan and not over-utilizing my FlexPoints.

too close for comfort

I just got back from having lunch with a few people at work, including a new lady who started last Monday. We stopped by the studio's little convenience store on the way back, when the new woman announced for us to "not get her started on candy", because once she starts, she cannot stop. I, jokingly, tried to pawn off some See's chocolate bars I've had in my desk for the last few weeks. I ordered them before I started on WW, and while they have a big "8 points" scrawled on their wrapping and I would love to ingest them, I've been trying to give them to others.

I mentioned that I had written their Points value on them as we walked up the stairs towards the office, and the new lady inquired,"Points? What's that?" And I mentioned that they were part of Weight Watchers. When we got to the top of the stairs she said, "Remind me to show you my before and after photos."

Apparently, she had a bingeing problem in the early-90's. When we got back to our desks, she pulled out her photos and began showing them to all of us. They were not what I was expecting. Instead of the normal "before-and-after" photos you would attribute to someone who had a weight problem, these were, before: when she was slim and trim, and after: when she had put on thirty pounds. It was a little weird. I was expecting to see photos of a dramatic weight-loss, but instead got photos of a traumatic weight-gain.

She went on to talk about how painful it was for her to put on all that weight. I, of course, wouldn't want to belittle the trauma she obviously went through - but I'm sitting here with at least an extra 100 lbs. on me - I've been heavy since I was eight...and...

...I just didn't know what to say to her.

I wasn't prepared to share my ordeal or my current weight-loss plans (other than being familiar with the WW points system), and the exchange left me feeling, well, weird. The weight deal for me is a sensitive issue. My weight has always been a source of pain, and I've always found it difficult to discuss the weight with others. That's part of why I called this my "super-secret weight-loss weblog". I don't necessarily want others to know that I'm struggling towards weight-loss (even though the fact that I'm obese is all too apparent).

There was another girl at work who lost about 60 lbs on Weight Watchers within the last year or so. Everyone who has started working here after she reached her weight goal was exposed to her weight loss through a company fitness center newsletter. They all freely chatted with her about her weight loss, congratulating her. I congratulated her, of course, along with the rest of them, but felt really uncomfortable asking her how she did it, or some of the other questions which were really on my mind.

I guess this is just another step in the battle.

work is sloooow

Not that I have any business complaining about this, but these last two days (and even last Friday), work has been slow. Normally, this wouldn't be a bad thing, because work is often hectic and stressful to a certain extent, and it's a nice respite to have an hour or so out of the day where things aren't going all haywire.

But when the orders aren't coming in, I'm left to my own devices to fill up the time. And of course, my thoughts turn to food. Lunch usually comes as sort of a surprise: "Oh goodness, is it noon already?" But I've spent the last hour or so thinking, "When is noon going to come? Is noon here yet?" Not fun.

There's a bonus bad-side to the whole slow-business. When it's hectic, I'm running around the office almost all the time. From my desk to the printer in another office to pick-up work orders, down the hall to the dub room, or running to the bathroom at the other side of the building with a nearly-bursting bladder, or to the vault area to pick-up elements or deliver a rush order... None of this has happened in the last few days.

I've been fairly sedentary at work, and it bugs me. I feel slow, sluggish. Getting up is hassle the few times I need to do it. I have to be at my desk to field any calls (there've been about four in the last two days), or to handle any order should it get emailed to me. But instead I'm on the internet, or looking at other people's orders in the scheduling system, or thinking about food - all whilst sitting in this chair - feeling glued to it.

flight of fancy

So the weekend was, um, interesting. Saturday night and Sunday night were sort of "party-nights" for me - and my eating at those meals highlighted the fact. I went to California Pizza Kitchen on Saturday night, and then to BJ's Brewery on Sunday late-afternoon. I did not shy away from the food at all.

But what's different about this weekend from almost every other weekend spent eating the same way during previous weight-loss attempts is that I have little guilt about it. Last night (Sunday), before going to bed, I even worked out for a little over a half hour - and made sure I got all my water in. I woke up this morning refreshed - not bogged down by the normal guilt which would accompany a weekend of such "festive" food choices. Did I go overboard? Just a little. Am I sunk? Definitely not. Today I am 100% on program, drinking water like a fiend, eager to work off whatever I may have ingested over the weekend - but with no regrets...

...at least until tomorrow, when I weigh-in! ;)

need advice

I've been hungering for a lot these last few days - but I've been really good. I've stayed within my Points allotment, and only dipping into FlexPoints once or twice, each time only one or two points each. But I've been craving an omelette. Not the kind of omelette you find in the WW points guide. Nope. I want an omelette from a restaurant I haven't been to in years.. Four 'n 20 Restaurant in Studio City. They have a "build-your-own omelette" menu and it rocks. And I know exactly what I want to order: An american-cheese omelette with green peppers with a healthy ("healthy" in this case meaning "large", not actually healthy) side of sour cream and ketchup. Mmmmmm.

I can almost taste it. I'd really like to go there for breakfast on Sunday morning, but my dilemma is that I have no idea what the points value would be - as I'd like to stay within points for the day - or at least track it accordingly, and use the necessary FlexPoints. (Sigh). Such is the case for many of my favorite eateries. Poquito Mas, a relatively famous mexican eatery here in L.A. is unfortunately not listed on Dotti's Weight Loss Zone... Nor can I find the points value for a bean and cheese burrito with sour cream from Casitas Tacos al Carbon in Burbank. It kind of breaks my heart.

Is that bad?

I'm really serious about my weight loss. I want to stay on-program. This is my third week in, and that's usually when those old urges come to the forefront. In a perfect world, all eateries and restaurants and fast food joints would divulge the nutritional information for their menu items - then I could do the math, figure out how many points would be required, and eat up relatively guilt-free, knowing that I will be staying on program. It's a dilemma for me, really. If anyone has any advice on how you get through and track eating at places without their according nutritional info, please please please comment!

whew, what a day!

Today has been so hectic, so I'm taking five minutes out of the work-day to vent a little steam. After a great night last night (America's Next Top Model, and Queer Eye - I even hit the treadmill during Queer Eye!), I woke myself up this morning a little after 5am so I could go to the laundromat. It was tough, getting up that early. I've done it in the past, but in the last year or so I haven't been able to summon the energy or motivation to rise that early. I ate a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal and packed up my laundry, then headed out to the laundromat at 6am. It was almost relaxing, the laundromat - only one other guy was there, and I had a chance to catch up on some reading.

Then it was back home to prepare for work. By the time I left the house at 8:30am I could feel my stomach grumbling, so I shot down a glass of water and proceeded to work. A little after 9am I could no longer put up with the grumblings in my tummy, so I munched down a WW snack bar ove the course of a half-hour. It's been SO BUSY at work today. Back and forth, babysitting projects with fixes (I'll go more into what I do at a later date), and not getting to the day-to-day necessities. I had to have another 2-point snack before lunchtime, but the lunchtime WW Pepperoni Pizza filled me up quite nicely.

I have noticed, however, that I've been in a bit of a "mood". I've been snappy with some of the technicians here, and have become more unsettled as the day has progressed. Argh! Every step forward seems to be met with two steps backward!! But the day will eventually end, and I can go home, have a relaxing dinner, watch my new copy of Bridget Jones's Diary and whatever DVD I may have received from Netflix today, and take a nice, long, stress-relieving walk on the treadmill, followed by a long period of restful sleep... ahhh.. it relaxes me just thinking about it...

another fine week

So I lost 1.6 lbs. this week! I'm proud of myself. So proud, in fact, that I've decided to implement a reward system for myself, and it goes as follows:

For every week that I lose at least one pound, I will buy myself a DVD, and NOT feel guilty about it! This will hopefully accomplish two things, 1) To help me curb my spending on DVDs, and 2) Encourage me to keep losing the weight at a good rate. I think it's a plan, and so here is my very first rewards-system purchase (on right), Bridget Jones's Diary.

Okay, time for America's Next Top Model, followed by the season premiere of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy... it's a banner week for television!!

it's happening again

Everytime I go on a "diet", or try to make a "lifestyle change", there's an internal voice which creeps up about two weeks into it saying, "You can't do this. You're not losing weight as fast as you should. This is a lost cause. Give up. Doesn't The Cheesecake Factory sound good right now? You didn't get enough water today - that means you'll never lose the weight! You'll never get to eat your favorite burrito again if you stick to this. Stop trying."

And it's here. It's fleeting, but it's here. I suppose distraction is the best way to deal with it. I need to occupy myself with better concerns. I'm going to go get on the treadmill right now - I don't care that I haven't any water in the house. I can get some afterwards. I have to leave the house to go do laundry anyway, that's when I can get the water.

Tomorrow night is Tuesday, which means another weigh-in. What's it gonna be? Will it matter if I don't lose as much as I want? Will it lend more power to this negative internal voice? Will I allow a weigh-in to give this bad voice more sway over me? The answer is no. I think I'm doing really good. I'm doing the best I can right now, and if nothing else, it's a series of steps in the right direction. So onto the treadmill I go.

whew!

Okay, so I did what I said I would do. I heated up a pizza, drank some water, and got on the treadmill for a little over 30 mins while watching The Breakfast Club. After that, I did a few reps with the 3 lbs. hand weights. I'm running out of bottled water, so I'm going to need to go to the store tomorrow. Is that supermarket strike still going on? I wish it would end already - I hate the inconvenience of not being able to shop at the Vons right around the corner - plus, prices on groceries have gone through the roof. Anyhow, now I have to think of something fun to do tomorrow, so as not to waste the entire weekend.

weekends = a problem

These weekends may pose a larger problem than I previously anticipated. Save for about 10 mins. of lifting 3-lbs. weights in bed yesterday, I haven't exercised at all - in fact, I've hardly gotten out of bed at all. As I'm typing this, I'm in bed on my laptop. And it's a three-day weekend, which makes me feel like I'm slumming all the more.

I need to get on the treadmill. This morning I decided to have two bowls of Lucky Charms cereal instead of one. I haven't gotten enough water. I need to eat lunch, drink 2 glasses of water, find a movie and get on the treadmill!! Does it sound like I'm trying to talk myself into it? Well, I am.

I have no sort-of regimen for the weekend. Weekdays are relatively easy because I have work to nicely round out my day. But the freedom of the weekends harbor an evil out for me to just slack-off. The hours all meld into one another and I end up getting nothing done. Okay, I need to kick start this - I'm going to go heat up a Lean Cuisine 4-cheese pizza, drink those two glasses of water and then work out of this funk.

another night, another sweat

So last night continues my 5 days of complete submission to the Weight Watchers gods. I got home late from work, totally tired, incredibly hungry - but still managed to eat within my points AND get on the treadmill for 40 minutes. Last night's exercise feature-film was Singin' In The Rain, courtesy of either TCM or AMC (cannot remember which). The "Make 'Em Laugh" sequence has to be one of the funniest, most physically-remarkable solo dance sequences I've seen in a musical yet.

I'm a little behind on my water today, and OOPS, I just remembered that I forgot to take my multivitamin, so I'd better jam.

a new perspective

Last night I went in for my first "results" weigh-in. I had lost just 0.2 lbs. Not that great, scale-wise. But it really joggled something in me. I was disappointed, but I also knew immediately what I needed to do to get on the right track. I am so glad I didn't show a loss of something over 5 lbs., because that would've sent me the wrong message. I didn't do the work I needed to last week to provide sufficient weight loss. But this week I will.

Last night I went to the grocery store and bought a week's worth of food: Lean Cuisine and Smart Ones frozen meals, fat-free pudding cups, cereal and nonfat milk. My plan is this:

Morning: Cereal with milk, or coffee from Starbucks
Mid-morning Snack: Weight Watchers 2-points snack bar or fruit
Lunch: Lean Cuisine/SmartOnes Frozen Meal
Mid-afternoon snack: fruit or WW 2-points snack bar or pudding cup
Dinner: Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones Frozen Meal

I realize that I'm relying heavily on the packaged frozen meals for my food, but when you're single and live in a place without a fully-functional kitchen your options are limited. I realize they are high in sodium - but compared to my eating habits before, I'll take the high sodium content for awhile. This is about behavioral modification - I need to learn portion control. I need to eat these packaged meals (one at a time!) until my brain, my stomach and I have all developed proper portion-control habits.

As for exercise, I set my alarm last night for 5am with the intention of getting up and walking on the treadmill. I failed miserably. Oh, I woke up at 5am, but turned off my alarm and reset it, then drifted back off into a warm slumber. I need to work on that. Perhaps it's about working out right when I get home - before I eat my dinner. I really I have no excuse to not exercise, I just need to get up off my lazy ass and do it!

All in all, last night's weigh-in didn't serve to disappoint me, but rather motivated me. I may have begun WW last week on a spontaneous lark, but my adherence to the program will not be that: I will be focused on the goal - 10% is the first of many - and I will lose that 23 lbs!

week 1 redux

I think I’m off to a normal start. I still have to weigh-in tonight, and honestly I have no idea what the scale will say. I didn’t get enough water over the weekend. I did, however, exercise twice this past week in the form of walking/hiking. It was invigorating. I need to get on a better exercise regimen – more stable – with alternating strength training and cardio. I think I will look for some sort of DVD/Stretchy Rope/Weights box set combo to help me out in that regard. And I have a treadmill at home, so I have no excuse to not get the cardio in. I guess it’s just about normalizing the exercise into my life. Making it a habit I cannot break.

I think I’ve done okay on the eating – with the exception of last night (a CPK pizza with sour cream and guacamole – I ate all of it!), I’ve handled myself fairly well. I’ve tried to get Points amounts for everything and apply them accordingly. I have made use of my Flex Points!

I think the one thing I took from my first meeting was that I am not perfect – and I don’t need to be to lose weight. It’s the keeping at it that does the trick in the long run. If I had not quit a diet plan every time I had felt I had gone overboard or made a mistake, I would now be a great deal slimmer.

Things I’ve noticed this week:
-While walking, my jeans feel a little looser in the thigh area.

Things to accomplish for this next week:
-Incorporate more exercise into week (more than walking twice)
-Go to store to stock up on WW pre-made meals and WATER for home
-Get more vegetables and milk in

Foods I had this week that I will try to not include next week:
-California Pizza Kitchen Tostada Pizza with sour cream and guacamole
-1 scoop banana ice cream with peanut butter cup from Cold Stone Creamery
-Grilled Vegetarian Burrito with sour cream from Baja Fresh