February 13, 2005

realish-time grammy wrap-up

It's Grammy time! I hardly NEVER watch this telecast. Unless Madonna's performing, I usually can't be persuaded to watch. But Alicia Keys is performing, so I'll tune in.

Gwen is a pirate! Yar!

I love a good opening medley, but I don't think I can stand 87 different performers at once now. I mean, narrow the field already. I'm sure everyone could live without the debacle that is Los Lonely Boys. But look! It's Franz Ferdinand. They're even cuter than I thought they'd be. Especially the back-up singer guy.

Wait, am I still watching the Grammys? This looks like some weird early-80's Spanish musical-soap opera! Oh, wait, it's just J. Lo and Mark Anthony. Why are they here? Why are they singing a duet en espaņol? Why are they sucking so hard?

J. Lo & Hub sucking it up

Those two hardly stack up to the rock-solid performance(s) by Alicia Keys, which brought tears to my eyes. She's just incredible. And who knew Jamie "In Living Color" Foxx could hold a tune? I'm impressed.

Alicia Keys giving a note-perfect performance

Oh God. What did I do to deserve this? It's a country duet of "Freebird". I must have died and gone to hell. Uh oh, "Ramblin' Man" with Tim McGraw. Oh fo-shizzle, "Sweet Home Alabama". Yep. I've clearly been damned. Why are people giving them a standing ovation? They've just insulted my new-favorite-singer Alicia Keys, and I am not happy about that. And who let Kevin Bacon in?

Was that just Bean from KROQ announcing Ellen Degeneres? Or was that Kevin? I can never keep the two of them straight. Aw, it's Queen Latifah doing "Lush Life"! Yay! Hold it there steady, Dana, you were a little sharp there. Relaaaax. This whole "Is it Kevin or is it Bean?" thing is really starting to bother me. One of them is a SLUT, obviously, for lending his voice to this telecast.

Quentin is being a spazz, per usual

Who let Quentin Tarantino in the building? Don't they know he's a TOTAL SPAZZ? I don't get the whole Green Day thing. True, I haven't heard their new album, but why is everyone falling over themselves over it? Is it because the album has some sort of grand political message? Is it a statement about our present state of affairs? I don't care: I cannot stand that "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" song! And Billie Joe needs to lose the eye shadow, cuz it's freaking me out.

Ah, I don't really have anything against the guys. They're cool and all, I don't know what I was blabbing about, reallly. Another fucking standing ovation, though? Really? Why? Do these people just really want to stand up every seven minutes?

Win Alicia Keys, win Alicia Keys, win Alicia Keys.... YAY!!!!!! She won Best R&B Album, deservedly. But she needs to find someone she trusts enough to hold her handbag while she travels up to collect her Grammy already!

Ouch, someone needs to check the viewable area framing with respect to those chyrons because they're cutting off the c's on the "coming ups". And if I have to watch one more "Survivor" promo, I might just die. Well, not really die-die, but I tend towards the hyperbolic, always.

Jesus gives you Wiiiings!

This whole gospel-performance thing is a little, um, embarrassing. Do we really need church pews up there? And hat-wearing ladies fanning themselves? Isn't there something in the Constitution about separation of church and entertainment? Oh shit, they do NOT have a mock-coffin up there. If 50 Cent pops up out of there, though, they've earned back my respect times 100! Or Ray Charles. Wouldn't that be a hoot? "I'm not dead, bitches!" I don't think we'll see a more self-aggrandizing moment than Kanye in angel wings.

Question: why don't they give the Best Classical Crossover category the same play they give Best Pop Group or Duo category? All I get is a little blurb at the bottom of the screen while they're playing out to commercial? I'm just askin'.

Kris Kris-fuckin-stofferson? It's not really surprising, but I liked writing "Kris Kris-fuckin-stofferson". Joss Stone = whatever. Looks like she got herself a sunburn. Yo Joss, you're not still at the beach, so put some shoes on, it's the Grammys, fer chrissake!

Look ma, no hair!

Oh damn, Melissa Etheridge has no hair. Bald women can't help but be cool. Pretty great performance for someone undergoing cancer treatment, I'd say.

Billy Bob Thornton's shirt looks like he's spilled something all down the front of it. And he needs to button that shirt right on up, 'cuz his gray chest-hair is scaring me. Ew. Tim McGraw. Guess now's a good time to go check on my laundry, use the restroom, change the channel, etc. Wait, did he say he "loves Kiefer" and "smokes the reefer"? Or am I hearing that wrong?

Hey, did you just see that quick shot of Jack White next to Loretta Lynn? Oh no, she's bringing him up. Has he joined the Church of Satan? Loretta Lynn is so funny. I just loved her in Coal Miner's Daughter.

Coal Miner's Daughter meets, um, Scary Pale-Guy with mustache.

Ugh. John Mayer. Can he just stop moving his head around so much? Ew, the ribbing on his jacket...ew! Look at Lisa-Marie. Could her eyes be any more sleepy? They are NOT rewarding that "Vertigo" song! Make it stop! Will that song never die? Hopefully this will be the death knell. Oh no, the drummer's gonna cry. I heard about him making some boo-boo with concert tickets. Some fans must have killed themselves for him to be so apologetic. Or maybe it's just a hunky-Irish-drummer thing.

iTunes just got a mention at the Grammys. That's h-o-t. This tsunami-benefit song is not off to a great start. Sub-par performances by both Bono and Stevie Wonder. Norah Jones was okay, OMG, Brian Wilson! Ahhh, thank goodness for Alicia Keys, but for fuck's-sake, Scott Weiland?!? Wow. Billie Joe is looking pretty sincere about it. Who chose this song? It's so depressing watching this.

Look! Scott Weiland's nodding off!

Stevie Wonder needs to brush up on his Braille because John Mayer did NOT just beat out Alicia Keys for Song of the Year. Argh! The ribbing! Breathe in, breathe out. I will survive this.

Someone should have checked out that lighting scheme for Usher's performance a little more thoroughly because it's totally whiting him out. I guess he's a good dancer and all, but when is someone gonna start calling people out for ripping off Michael Jackson? This guy's built his whole career on that. Did he just do a backflip? Okay, I take it all back.

Sweet Jesus on a parade float, it's James Brown!

And now Sheryl Crowe is wearing one of those yellow jelly-bracelets ALL OVER HER BODY! Ouch, they're playing off the producer of that Ray Charles album and Ray's manager Joe Adams... it must have been because he said "and our new partners, Starbucks". CBS are Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf people, from what I've heard.

Oh great, the president of the Recording Academy is giving a spiel/scare speech about music downloading. Blah blah blah. We'd like to be classy and just mention our tsunami-releif efforts, but not before we make sure all you kiddies out there shake in your boots about d/l'ing the latest Nelly song by mere mention of the words "Supreme" and "Court".

Now the obligatory montage of dead people. This is always uplifting. I like Bonnie Raitt. I'm not afraid to say it. I've downloaded a couple of her songs. I am a bit afraid to say that.

Everyone know that Ray Charles' "Genius Loves Company" is gonna win Album of the Year. Do I really need to keep watching? Damn, it's past 11pm already, I need to fold my laundry and get to bed. Signing off for now...

posted by julie at February 13, 2005 09:13 PM

things people have said

Kevin, I think.

so said: Erik at February 13, 2005 09:26 PM

That was FUNNY! I don't agree with all you said here but it is pretty RIGHT ON!

I felt like I was watching the pre show run through! Where were the graphics, not everyone knows who all these folks are and what a CLUSTER F--K that opening number was!

Couldn't ya just hear all those TVs clicking off through most of America.

I am a fan of country rock but what the F--K was that mess??? The best part of that was that they all finished on the same note! Sorta.

I love Jack White and Loretta but together........PLEASE!!!!!!!

I turned it off after Queen LAICAN'TSING did that BAD Ella!


I remember a few years ago they had some rap artist doing Janus Joplin....Or maybe that was on MTV..Bad anyway.

The bad clothing doesn't bother me as they are artists but hey ADAM what the F--K are you thinking man?!

And I thought the MTV mess was bad...I had to air out the house after that cat box.......RB

so said: RB at February 14, 2005 06:23 AM

Rant Continued...

Does Tim McGraw wear that hat to bed?
He must be balder than the American Eagle! I guess he needs it to prove he's a "cowboy."

Well at least my wife got a thrill... she loves Matthew McConaughey..I don't get it but whatever.

so said: RB at February 14, 2005 06:40 AM

HA! that was great. i haven't watched the grammy's since i was about 12. your commentary cracked me up! especially the billy bob chest hair part. HA!

so said: honeybunny at February 14, 2005 12:18 PM