March 01, 2005

big whiny, shaky baby: episode II

Earlier today I sent the technical director at work an email asking if we could have a conversation about how I would go about getting into the hands-on technical side aspect of this workplace, departing from the strictly-administrative side I've been working in.

He obliged, and called me into his aoffice about fifteen minutes ago. I went in his office and sat down, immediately feeling cold, shivery. Once we got into it he went off on some tangent about upper vs. lateral movement (and how he hates the word "upper"), but then a client knocked on his door, and he had to adjourn prematurely.

I was happy he did, because I was going through some sort of physiological trauma. I was really, really shaky. I could feel my lower jaw, when unclenched to my upper jaw, quivering. I kept trying to re-adjust my seating position to find a sturdier anchor. This happens all the freakin' time when I have to have conversations that my neurotic psyche deems confrontational.

I have no reason to be nervous. I'm doing pretty well at the workplace. I feel I'm held in high-regard by the management (which is to say, I'm not skating on thin-ice or anything). And, as a friend pointed out to me, initiating a talk like this is the only way I'm going to get somewhere other than where I am; it's the only way I'm going to move forward into where I would rather be.

But I've had some bad experiences in the past when having these sorts of conversations about "my future". I once penned an elaborate letter to a boss about what I had to offer in a position one-step higher up than I already was (after dutifully working there for two years). He called me into the office and basically went ballistic on me, urging that I was threatening him. I was very upset and had to enforce that, no, my letter wasn't meant as a threat in the least, but rather a request for consideration.

His actions were completely out-of-line, I am assured of that, but a trauma like that does not go away, leaving no remains. It stays. It festers. It makes you shake like a baby whenever you have to be proactive like this.

I'm still quivering as I type this. It's not a "scared" quiver, but more of a "chilled to the bone" quiver. I'm trying to force myself to relax (this almost never works). Deep breathing is being forced. Thoughts are being reorganized. I hope we get to chat again soon about it before I totally psyche myself out about it. Maybe I'll wear my jacket next time...

update...
The meeting was back on only moments after the above was posted. And the meeting was fantastic. I was still a bit nervous and shaky, but I thought I was fairly composed overall. The content of the meeting was both enlightening and uplifting. I could not have asked for better results. Good things are going to happen. Hopefully, more later...


posted by julie at March 1, 2005 04:03 PM

things people have said

Good lord girl take a chill pill. Your gonna be in Vegas soon and all this will be behind ya. YAHTZEE!

Viva Las Vegas, Baby!

so said: RB at March 2, 2005 09:32 AM

i know, i know, but i can't help it! i'm such a creature of habit. It's all good though - chill pill officially digested. ;)

so said: julie (me) at March 2, 2005 10:52 AM



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