March 31, 2006

warpath

Something has either been switched on or switched off in me for the last month or so, because I've become a moody, irritable, crazy person. I've been whining and complaining about everything to anyone within earshot about my job, or my commute, or my relationship, or my woeful life in general... and really... there's nothing particularly wrong with any of it.

I think I'm actually going through a mild depression, perhaps spurred on by my grandpa's death earlier this month. I'm finding the relatively-small challenges I face on a day-to-day basis to be much harder to deal with lately. Work is almost intolerable. Over the past few days I've nearly broken down, on a number of occasions, when things got rough. The problems I face in the job seem worse now than ever, but that's probably a side-effect from my current state of mind.

Last night I went bonkers when, after walking into the house to the delicious smells of roast beef and carrots and some pasta-type stuff, I found that there was none left for me. I arrived about ten minutes later than I normally do, and they went and ate my portion. I just lost it. I stampeded to my room like an insufferably-cranky toddler and sat with an angry frown for about a half-hour.

Of course Erik tried to cheer me up over iChat, but I wasn't having any of it. Poor Erik has had to suffer the brunt of my moodiness. My mind, because obviously it has nothing particularly better to do, has been coming up with all sorts of bizarre notions it perceives as problems in our relationship, and Erik has had to politely listen and delicately assure me that it's all bullshit. And that only makes me more upset because I feel like my issues are putting a strain on us, and I worry about when he's going to run, screaming, away from me. All bullshit, but I'm trying to illustrate the ugly cycle.

Bah. I just wish I could snap out of it, but I know it doesn't work like that. I think, well, maybe if I get out of the house on the weekends I can do the things that energize me: drive, take photos, hang out with Erik, etc. But I'm not getting the same fun out of that that I would normally get. We spent last Saturday doing a Terry Gilliam movie marathon, and then went for an adventurous drive on Sunday through the Angeles National Forest - but during the movies I was falling asleep, and I didn't feel the same spark or longing to take pictures on Sunday. The drive didn't really invigorate me, it just left me tired.

So yeah, I'm going through some stuff, and I don't quite know when or how I'll turn it around. But I know I will. I just embarrassingly have to ask that everyone just bear with me for now, I'll be back to my old self in a bit.


posted by julie at March 31, 2006 11:41 AM

things people have said

Wow - you sound pregnant.

Of course the hormonal symptoms of pregnancy are also very much like the side effects of Splenda. Have you increased your intake? Go ahead & google the side effects of Splenda, you'll find mood swings and depression at the top of the list.

so said: Sheryl at March 31, 2006 07:16 PM

love to julie!
love to julie!
love to julie!

so said: erin at March 31, 2006 09:02 PM

heh, 'delicately.'

so said: Erik at April 3, 2006 05:03 PM



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