November 07, 2006

Beat down and exhausted

Is the title substantial enough to get the point across? Actually writing text in this post seems so.... hard! I feel like I'm in the midst of a small war - one with a number of close battles that leave me feeling beaten down.

Work has been rough. I went through a lot these last few weeks in dealing with whether or not to take another job offer. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. The stress of it has worn me down into a small nub. That's what I feel like right now - an insignificant nub of who I am. I decided to stay in my current job - with a goal of doing a mysterious something else within the company in the near future - knowing that down the line it may all be for naught anyhow. For now, I sit here, with various client woes, having actual fear responses to bullying and other various work-related "issues", leaving my stomach in a series of knots and me tired, sullen, sleepy, continually close to tears.

There are aspects to this time in my life that I will absolutely treasure in the future, I know it. There are huge decisions being placed squarely on mine and my loved-one's shoulders that I feel will ultimately be character-building. And I will remember this time of not-knowing, of being on a precipice, fondly -- I'll recall it with a romanticism I'm not close to being capable of even tolerating at the moment. I find myself at such great heights of pride and glee and excitement for what's to come, only to be followed by a pit of gnawing despair and second-guessing and worry and hesitance. If my hair isn't fully grayed by this time next year I will be amazed.


posted by julie at November 7, 2006 11:01 AM

things people have said

Don't worry about gray hair, I can tell you about lots of great dyes. Stress from work and relationships did in my hair a long time ago.

so said: Karin at November 8, 2006 02:01 PM



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