If you find yourself in a convenience store - staring at the beverage shelves waiting for something yummy to pop out at you - and you eyeball a shiny, well-designed, aesthetically-pleasing pink energy drink-sized can, do yourself a huge favor and DON'T PURCHASE IT! It is not good. Anything else on that shelf will taste ten times better than the "deliciously pink" liquid in that can. Believe me. And if you don't believe me, ask Erik. He was there, he drank most of it (because I wouldn't), and hates to let even the nastiest of energy drinks go to waste.
This is the funniest thing I've seen all week - well, maybe a second to Hot Fuzz...
... Why is it that little Pearl reminds me of Bjork? Hmph.
While many American viewers were drinking beer and watching Peyton Manning bring home the Super Bowl trophy for the Colts last Sunday evening, I was sitting in Erik's dorm, flipping through his cable channels trying to find something, you know, interesting to watch. What we found was more awesome than can be described. What we found was Animal Planet's "Puppy Bowl III".
Three HOURS of watching a revolving group of puppies, large and small, at play in a miniature football stadium, complete with color commentary, instant replays, and the always-entertaining "Bowl Cam" (a camera affixed to the underside of the only available water bowl on the field). What could be better? I know the answer - and the answer is NOTHING!
The only two things to mildly sully the experience were the Kitten Half-Time Extravaganza - which just wasn't as extravagant as this viewer was hoping for, and the unfortunate Pedigree commercial featuring sad-looking dogs locked away in a pound, while David Duchovny's guilt-inducing voice pleads with the viewer to buy Pedigree dog foods, 'cuz if you don't, well, you obviously have no soul, and all the dogs in all the pounds in the world will needlessly be murdered because of you. The first time I saw it, it brought tears to my eyes. And the remaining 47 times it aired during those three hours were just as heart-wrenching. And this is where I get to share this emotional torture with you:
You're welcome. Oh, and you know what else? "Puppy Bowl III" (and "I" & "II" as well) is available to purchase on DVD. I don't mean to drop any big hints, but my birthday's coming up in June.
Driving on the 101 Freeway today at lunch, I spotted a pink Corvette being driven by the icon of self-promotion in Hollywood herself, Angelyne. I was so excited that when I pulled alongside her, I had to keep from waving to her like a maniacal tourist.
Wow, a scene in The Simpsons just made me well-up with tears. It's in the "I Love Lisa" episode, where Ralph doesn't get any Valentine's cards and HE breaks into tears. Geez louiiise why do I have to be so gosh-darned empathetic?? No one better make young Ralph Wiggum cry again, or yellow-heads are gonna roll - ROLL, I tell you!
It's Grammy time! I hardly NEVER watch this telecast. Unless Madonna's performing, I usually can't be persuaded to watch. But Alicia Keys is performing, so I'll tune in.
I love a good opening medley, but I don't think I can stand 87 different performers at once now. I mean, narrow the field already. I'm sure everyone could live without the debacle that is Los Lonely Boys. But look! It's Franz Ferdinand. They're even cuter than I thought they'd be. Especially the back-up singer guy.
Wait, am I still watching the Grammys? This looks like some weird early-80's Spanish musical-soap opera! Oh, wait, it's just J. Lo and Mark Anthony. Why are they here? Why are they singing a duet en espaņol? Why are they sucking so hard?
Those two hardly stack up to the rock-solid performance(s) by Alicia Keys, which brought tears to my eyes. She's just incredible. And who knew Jamie "In Living Color" Foxx could hold a tune? I'm impressed.
Oh God. What did I do to deserve this? It's a country duet of "Freebird". I must have died and gone to hell. Uh oh, "Ramblin' Man" with Tim McGraw. Oh fo-shizzle, "Sweet Home Alabama". Yep. I've clearly been damned. Why are people giving them a standing ovation? They've just insulted my new-favorite-singer Alicia Keys, and I am not happy about that. And who let Kevin Bacon in?
Was that just Bean from KROQ announcing Ellen Degeneres? Or was that Kevin? I can never keep the two of them straight. Aw, it's Queen Latifah doing "Lush Life"! Yay! Hold it there steady, Dana, you were a little sharp there. Relaaaax. This whole "Is it Kevin or is it Bean?" thing is really starting to bother me. One of them is a SLUT, obviously, for lending his voice to this telecast.
Who let Quentin Tarantino in the building? Don't they know he's a TOTAL SPAZZ? I don't get the whole Green Day thing. True, I haven't heard their new album, but why is everyone falling over themselves over it? Is it because the album has some sort of grand political message? Is it a statement about our present state of affairs? I don't care: I cannot stand that "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" song! And Billie Joe needs to lose the eye shadow, cuz it's freaking me out.
Ah, I don't really have anything against the guys. They're cool and all, I don't know what I was blabbing about, reallly. Another fucking standing ovation, though? Really? Why? Do these people just really want to stand up every seven minutes?
Win Alicia Keys, win Alicia Keys, win Alicia Keys.... YAY!!!!!! She won Best R&B Album, deservedly. But she needs to find someone she trusts enough to hold her handbag while she travels up to collect her Grammy already!
Ouch, someone needs to check the viewable area framing with respect to those chyrons because they're cutting off the c's on the "coming ups". And if I have to watch one more "Survivor" promo, I might just die. Well, not really die-die, but I tend towards the hyperbolic, always.
This whole gospel-performance thing is a little, um, embarrassing. Do we really need church pews up there? And hat-wearing ladies fanning themselves? Isn't there something in the Constitution about separation of church and entertainment? Oh shit, they do NOT have a mock-coffin up there. If 50 Cent pops up out of there, though, they've earned back my respect times 100! Or Ray Charles. Wouldn't that be a hoot? "I'm not dead, bitches!" I don't think we'll see a more self-aggrandizing moment than Kanye in angel wings.
Question: why don't they give the Best Classical Crossover category the same play they give Best Pop Group or Duo category? All I get is a little blurb at the bottom of the screen while they're playing out to commercial? I'm just askin'.
Kris Kris-fuckin-stofferson? It's not really surprising, but I liked writing "Kris Kris-fuckin-stofferson". Joss Stone = whatever. Looks like she got herself a sunburn. Yo Joss, you're not still at the beach, so put some shoes on, it's the Grammys, fer chrissake!
Oh damn, Melissa Etheridge has no hair. Bald women can't help but be cool. Pretty great performance for someone undergoing cancer treatment, I'd say.
Billy Bob Thornton's shirt looks like he's spilled something all down the front of it. And he needs to button that shirt right on up, 'cuz his gray chest-hair is scaring me. Ew. Tim McGraw. Guess now's a good time to go check on my laundry, use the restroom, change the channel, etc. Wait, did he say he "loves Kiefer" and "smokes the reefer"? Or am I hearing that wrong?
Hey, did you just see that quick shot of Jack White next to Loretta Lynn? Oh no, she's bringing him up. Has he joined the Church of Satan? Loretta Lynn is so funny. I just loved her in Coal Miner's Daughter.
Ugh. John Mayer. Can he just stop moving his head around so much? Ew, the ribbing on his jacket...ew! Look at Lisa-Marie. Could her eyes be any more sleepy? They are NOT rewarding that "Vertigo" song! Make it stop! Will that song never die? Hopefully this will be the death knell. Oh no, the drummer's gonna cry. I heard about him making some boo-boo with concert tickets. Some fans must have killed themselves for him to be so apologetic. Or maybe it's just a hunky-Irish-drummer thing.
iTunes just got a mention at the Grammys. That's h-o-t. This tsunami-benefit song is not off to a great start. Sub-par performances by both Bono and Stevie Wonder. Norah Jones was okay, OMG, Brian Wilson! Ahhh, thank goodness for Alicia Keys, but for fuck's-sake, Scott Weiland?!? Wow. Billie Joe is looking pretty sincere about it. Who chose this song? It's so depressing watching this.
Stevie Wonder needs to brush up on his Braille because John Mayer did NOT just beat out Alicia Keys for Song of the Year. Argh! The ribbing! Breathe in, breathe out. I will survive this.
Someone should have checked out that lighting scheme for Usher's performance a little more thoroughly because it's totally whiting him out. I guess he's a good dancer and all, but when is someone gonna start calling people out for ripping off Michael Jackson? This guy's built his whole career on that. Did he just do a backflip? Okay, I take it all back.
And now Sheryl Crowe is wearing one of those yellow jelly-bracelets ALL OVER HER BODY! Ouch, they're playing off the producer of that Ray Charles album and Ray's manager Joe Adams... it must have been because he said "and our new partners, Starbucks". CBS are Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf people, from what I've heard.
Oh great, the president of the Recording Academy is giving a spiel/scare speech about music downloading. Blah blah blah. We'd like to be classy and just mention our tsunami-releif efforts, but not before we make sure all you kiddies out there shake in your boots about d/l'ing the latest Nelly song by mere mention of the words "Supreme" and "Court".
Now the obligatory montage of dead people. This is always uplifting. I like Bonnie Raitt. I'm not afraid to say it. I've downloaded a couple of her songs. I am a bit afraid to say that.
Everyone know that Ray Charles' "Genius Loves Company" is gonna win Album of the Year. Do I really need to keep watching? Damn, it's past 11pm already, I need to fold my laundry and get to bed. Signing off for now...
Daniel Johns... from Silverchair?
Yeah, I guess he's still huge down under. And he's married to that other ubiquitous Aussie-export, Natalie Imbruglia... who knew? More pics of the topless J.T./K-Fed lookee-likee (not for the faint of heart).
I've spent the last 8 hours watching back-to-back episodes of "Freaks and Geeks". I'm all the way up to the episode where Neil Schweiber deals with his father's infidelity by taking up ventriloquism. And now it's hottie-Daniel's turn to have a bug up his butt about something. I just can't stop watching.
I'm certainly glad I never took any interest in it while it actually aired on television, because then I would have had to suffer through annoying commercials, week-long waits between episodes, and the show's early demise - not to mention years of waiting for the DVD release. Thank god, I might have died!
Oh no, Kim Kelly broke up with Daniel! And just when he was getting into über-rebellious punk-rock music! Tragedy! But ladies, the real draw of this show can be summed up in two simple words: Bill. Haverchuck. It's all about the the Haverchuck.
So I'm gonna go ahead and finish this series tonight. I can't possibly tear myself away this late in the game. Second. Best. Show. EVER! (1st best being "The Office", of course)
4am - Just finished watching the complete series about an hour or so ago. The last episode, ehhh, left a little to be desired. I'm an admitted sappy sentimentalist, so I was really craving some sort of voiceover for the last two minutes recounting the futures of the characters... like:
"Daniel Desario became a well-known, well-respected Dungeonmaster, and went on to a successful career in software engineering...
Nick Andopolis promptly dumped Sara and spent the next fifteen years following wherever the popular trends led. He now resides in Los Feliz and studies the Kaballah, full-time...
Ken Miller and Amy Andrews are now happily married with four adopted children. Ken now splits his time running his father's business by day and emceeing at the local Foxy Boxing venue by night...
Neal Schweiber dropped out of dental school to become a stand-up comedian. He is now the well-known star of the successful ABC sitcom 'Schweiber'...
Kim Kelly found Jesus while following the Dead. She's now a full-time mom/part-time evangelist living in Tucson...
In keeping with his proclaimation to drink 'this much of anything' for ten bucks, Bill Haverchuck had a brief career as a food taster... until he realized he was too allergic to everything to be successful. Fortunately, his adult-onset good-looks scored him a modeling gig that transformed into a successful acting career...
Sam Weir grew to 6'3 in his junior year. He was elected class president and went on to a high-power position at a Fortune 500 company...
Lindsay Weir never made it to a single Grateful Dead concert. She returned home to finish school and attend college in Wisconsin with Barry Schweiber, whom she later married. She is now a mathematics professor at Northwestern."
See? I like things to resolve themselves, even if they are amazingly-unimaginitive resolutions.
I just overheard my 64-year-old father singing the chorus from U2's ever-present "Vertigo" track as he was mindlessly washing dishes. Time to find a new song, Apple! I mean, I love ya - but c'mon - you're killing me with that song already.
Oh no, I'm not talking about my throat-scraping cough or the mild soreness in my lower back from sitting on concrete bleachers during my little brother's marching band show tonight. No, I'm referring to the pain in my side from LAUGHING MY ASS OFF at what will most-likely come to be known as the most embarrassing moment on Saturday Night Live... EVER!, or, more plainly, Ashlee Simpson's stunning mistake during her "performance" of her second song.
I was watching the west coast feed of SNL, as one typically does if one lives in Los Angeles. I was very excited to be viewing this evening, because my lover, the scrumptious Jude Law, was the host. Little did I know the episode would be memorialized by the musical guest! Anyways, having seen it on the west coast feed, all I saw after Jude so charmingly introduced her second act was the band having what sounded like a false start, Ashlee not starting on time, and then her leaving the stage while the band continued to play into the chorus.
And I thought, "How unprofessional!" Having played in many types of bands myself, I know that false starts do happen - but you improvise, or at the very least, you start again. I was both embarrassed for her and tickled to see her fail so miserably. Because I'm mean like that.
But that was before my insomnia kicked in and I decided to start surfing the net. Thanks to the comments on Stereogum, I was treated to a little "backstory" us west-coasters weren't privy to.
You can watch for yourself. It's hi-LAR-ious.
But no! The east-coast feed clearly shows that it wasn't the band's fault - it was the fault of whoever forgot to hit the "next" button on the cd player in the control booth, beginning the first song again, instead of the second song.
(Sigh.) Poor, poor Ashlee. Millions of people got to watch her miss her lip-synching cue. But it's the funniest thing I've seen all week! Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh hehhhh!
I despise "Art Guy" as well - his reaction to Claire's abortion made me boil, and his lame-ass moustache makes me want to beat him up.
"Dutch eye surgeons have implanted tiny pieces of jewellery called "JewelEye" in the mucous membrane of the eyes of six women and one man in cosmetic surgery pioneered by an ophthalmic surgery research and development institute in Rotterdam.
The procedure involves inserting a 3.5 mm (0.13 inch) wide piece of specially developed jewellery -- the range includes a glittering half-moon or heart -- into the eye's mucous membrane under local anaesthetic at a cost of 500 to 1,000 euros (270 to 540 pounds)."
I'm so glad she won! I just love being right!!
I'm so very happy to live in Los Angeles so I can hear this!!
Simpsons-Related Dear Abby Column Pulled - can you imagine if by some stroke of coincidence this woman was not joking? How terrible to find out your life has frightfully mimicked that of Marge Simpson!
All I'm sayin' is, I'm pulling for Yoanna to become America's Next Top Model. Is it bad that I really, really, really like this show?
I've watched every episode since the premiere of the second season, and I'm not really a weekly follower of reality tv shows. But UPN and Tyra Banks have my attention, so I expect my choice to win!
btw, I really hope they vote Camille off next, but of course they won't, cuz, ya know, she stirs the pot and all.
If it's good enough for Richard Dawkins and Penn & Teller, it's good enough for me.
Religion Be Damned - Wired News
The Future Looks Bright - Guardian Unlimited
The Bright Stuff - New York Times
I saw this, um, interesting product offered up on an infomercial sometime yesterday. I was blown away. What is it? The Karma Chameleon phone! I can only guess that it is sanctioned by Boy George, what with the use of the actual song when the phone rings, and that Boy George was giving testimonial to the phone's coolness on-air. And how much were they selling the phone for? The price was something ridiculous like US$70 or $80. I was shocked at the price of the phone. What could be a fun, $19.95 novelty gift item has turned into something of a faux-collector's item. Shame!
I fucking hate t.a.t.u. What untalented, uninteresting fucking hacks. A standing ovation? Give me a fucking break.
On a positive note, I really enjoyed the Matrix bit at the top of the show and the Gollum/Serkis acceptance speech.
Why am I watching this? Maybe Family Ties or Growing Pains is on....
This may be the stupidest idea ever. No one wants to stay in these things any longer than they absolutely have to. Of course it came from the minds at Microsuck.